Where's the Fire?

When I was a kid, my aunt and uncle rented a beach house every July at Humarock, MA. It was a big, old Victorian house that had been very well cared for by a family who never rented it, except to my aunt and uncle. My grandparents, their three children, and their children's respective broods, would all crowd into this big, old house for the 4th. Actually though, at Humarock, the "event" was the 3rd. The night before the 4th, that beach was a chaotic mess of illegal fireworks, bonfires and beer. Even before I could or wanted to enjoy the beer, the fireworks and bonfires were quite a spectacle. It was such a blast of a gathering because the Pennsylvania cousins would come, which was a relatively rare pleasure. And we would all get together on the porch and the sea wall and watch the spectacle. Except my grandfather, Bucky. Bucky would be in the house because he hated bugs and he hated fireworks and he wasn't a big fan of crowds. Especially as he got older, that night wasn't exactly appealing to him. What WAS appealing to him was watching out the window as the people he loved most in the world enjoyed this crazy night he could barely stand. It's funny. I've definitely inherited Bucky's nervousness about fire. Not that big a fan, I have to say. Yet, I'd give almost anything to be able to share those nights of fireworks and bonfires with my boys.

The last 4th of July gathering we had that Bucky was alive for was 1998. Ten years ago. So, ten years ago tonight, Bucky was sitting, thoroughly annoyed, in the living room of our Humarock house, watching us all act silly on the beach. That weekend was the last we had together as a family before Bucky died. It was also a week before I moved to Atlanta. When I look back on that weekend now, it's almost surreal to think how unaware I was of how completely everything I knew about my life was about to change. Some of the changes were for the better, and obviously, some were for the worse. But it'd sure be nice to go back to Humarock and chill with Buck on the porch with a martini, even just for a day.

An Oldie But Goodie...

This was an old post from my myspace blog. I brought it over because I enjoyed writing it so much. And since writing it originally, back in the summer of 2006, one more song has come along that needs to be added. It'll be the second to last one...


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It's funny how a song can bring you back to a moment so specifically and so effectively...

'Little Red Corvette'...hanging out with my big sister...the coolest person in the world, feeling so lucky that she would choose to spend time with me, trying to absorb as much of her coolness as I could...

'Santeria'...riding in an open jeep in the sunshine, feeling the sun on my face, feeling beautiful for the first time in years, feeling like my life was about to change, but not being sure why or how...

'Little Plastic Castles'...sitting in the window of my tiny bedroom my senior year of college, taking a break from writing my thesis, dreaming of how completing it was going to change my life, and of all the great writing I would do later on...feeling like my life was ahead of me and I could do anything...

'Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee'...driving across campus on my way to a NASA meeting, fire in my belly over all I'd learned about the real history of the country...

'Inside Out'...driving from Norcross to Buckhead to my first job in GA, wondering what in God's name had made me move so far from home, but feeling comforted by my sister's presence next to me in the car...

'As Cool As I Am'...my first year teaching, going on a blind date, realizing I didn't like the guy half as much as the one I already liked, and that I was okay with that, loving the mix tape my best friend had made me, missing her so much it ached...

'Praise You'...sitting in a darkened living room in Los Angeles, watching smoke curl its way upward from a lit Camel Light in the ashtray, realizing what, exactly, it feels like when your heart breaks...

'Honeysuckle Blue'...sitting on my parents' old sofa in an apartment in Georgia, drinking hunch punch with a bunch of southerners who'd adopted me as one of their own, feeling like these people would always be in my life...

'Dilate'...subway in NYC, heading downtown to a job training, feeling like this was the coolest, best place I'd ever been, loving how easy it is to blend into a city where anything goes...

'Fallin'...Washing my hair in my new apartment in Allston, wondering if the world would ever again feel as normal as I did singing along to this song in the mornings...

'Short Skirt, Long Jacket'...Looking up at a shaft of sunlight above me, smiling and feeling, for the first time in my life, that I was sexy enough to pull off a look like that...

'Closer to Myself'...Walking up Comm Ave in the sunshine, feeling like I'd found the secret to happiness, knowing deep down I was wrong, but hoping like Hell I wasn't...

'Hands Down'...Singing to myself in my apartment in Beacon Hill, feeling all angsty about when, if ever, I was going to have a date that good...

'Burn'...singing along with Usher at the top of my lungs and knowing just exactly what he meant when he sang the shit out of those lyrics...

'Tessie'...the absolutely intoxicating mix of my team finally winning and my own finally finding that right person...there was never a better week than that one...

'Suspicious Minds'...Ironically, dancing at a wedding, finally knowing what it was like to feel truly loved by someone who wasn't required by blood to feel that way...

'Only With You'...looking my brand new husband in the eye and knowing he was my past, present and future. Knowing I was safe and loved and was finally someone's favorite.

'Power of Two'...knowing my dream had finally come true and nothing had ruined it and I could exhale.

'No One'...Singing to my brand new son while watching VH-1 in the middle of the night, feeling an intensity of love and protectiveness I wasn't aware I could feel until just then...

'You Are My Sunshine'...a lifetime's worth...sitting on my grandfather's knee, dozing, feeling like everything was just right...missing him when he'd gone, being comforted that this song would continue to link us, somehow...dancing with my father, both of us crying both with joy and with the ache of missing my grandfather on a day he would've loved to be part of. And finally, singing to my son to calm him during restless moments, being amazed each time how quickly that song could quiet him, as if he knew instinctively how important it was...

I Miss You

I had a girls' night on Saturday night. It was a GREAT time. My husband and son spent the weekend up in VT with my in-laws, since I was away Saturday night. So, they were gone Friday to Sunday. Then yesterday morning, my husband left for Texas for three days. So, essentially, I haven't seen him since Friday and won't until Thursday (he gets home at some ridiculous hour tomorrow night). I am not a fan. I miss him. I even miss his snoring! My brother in law travels an average of four days a week and my sister manages, but my husband goes out of town for a couple days and I go to pieces. We're just different, I guess. I'd just rather have him around. He's kinda cute, you know?

Insomnia AGAIN

Dude. This is just getting ridiculous. Tonight, I went to bed at 11:00. Finally fell asleep sometime between 11:30 and 12:00. At 1:00, the phone rang. When I picked up, there was no one there. Five minutes later, it rang again. Picked up, no one there. But the damage was done. It's now 4:20 and I still haven't fallen back to sleep. Seriously. What is up?!

Father's Day

Growing up, Father's Day was always fun in our family. A lot of years, we would gather in my parents' back yard and play bocce or basketball or both. I was a daddy's girl and a grandpa's girl (or, more precisely, a Bucky's girl) growing up, so any day I got to spend with both of them was a good one. Plus, it usually fell sometime right before school ended, which was always a favorite time of year.

This year is my husband's first Father's Day. I'm excited for a day to celebrate what a fantastic job he's doing. He is an amazing father and I'm so lucky to have him to be a parent with. My son just absolutely adores his daddy and it's such fun to watch.

I ordered him an e-gift card and Sears (where I ordered it from) has managed to completely botch it enough that it's probably going to screw up my husband's first Father's Day gift. I ordered it from there because they are having a grill sale and my husband wants to buy a new grill. The sale ends tomorrow, and when I just talked to them on the phone (for the third time today) they informed me that it'll be at least tomorrow before the confusion gets cleared up...meaning there's a decent chance my husband will miss the sale. So, Sears has effectively lost my business going forward. Well done, Sears.

But annoyances aside, I'm glad there is a special day (even if said day was invented by Hallmark)to thank him for everything he does. My son and I are very, very blessed to have the world's greatest Daddy right here in our very own family.

Tests

I remember hearing or reading somewhere once that when you wish really hard for something, sometimes God (or the universe, or the divine, or whatever) tests you before giving it to you. If you say, "I would do anything for [fill in the blank]," then God goes, "Yea? So, prove it." I remember hearing about this with respect to true love. Like, you say, "I would do anything to find my soulmate," and God says, "Ok....then do this&this&this&this&this and then we'll talk." And the theory is that that is why your life sometimes gets extremely crazy right before the right person comes into it. And I know mine certainly did. The summer before my husband and I got together for good was, let's just say, not easy. Looking back, most of the craziness was just my tying up loose ends with various on and off romantic partners, so that when the time came, I wouldn't have any lingering questions. And I didn't, so the turmoil I went through with those boys who were not meant for me was well worth it.

But it doesn't just apply romantically, at least not for me. Any time I've been on the brink of getting something I really want, I go through a period of upheaval. I can think of several examples. It's always been a sort of darkest before the dawn type of thing. And I think it's what's going on right now. Not that things are so dark right now. On the contrary, my life is an embarrassment of riches, in terms of the blessings I've been granted. But there is a sort of upheaval going on, a lot of it internal, and I think it's because I'm going through the test period before something wonderful comes my way. That's what gets me through times like this...remembering that the best times in my life have always been preceded by some upheaval. So, I'm going to keep knocking down whatever bowling pins God throws up in front of me until I get to where I want to be. Just like I always have.

Hot Hot Heat

So, in all likelihood, pretty much anyone reading this already knows, but just in case...it's really hot out. The entire northeast region of the country is in the middle of a heat wave complete with intense humidity. I can't even bear to be outside, really, or I start to feel my migraine coming on. It's just gross. This got me thinking about the fact that, 10 years ago this summer, I moved to Atlanta, where I lived for three summers. In Atlanta, a day like today isn't even noteworthy for the heat. In Atlanta, a day like today is...June. Granted, most places you go in Atlanta are air conditioned. But I was thinking about how, when I lived there, I did spend time outside in the summer. One summer, I worked at a bar with a patio, slinging drinks out on said patio, where it was certainly not air conditioned. And even beyond that, I would go with friends to the Mexican place up the street from us, Los Rancheros, and drink insanely cheap margaritas, or eat insanely cheap Mexican food, often outside, in the middle of summer. I think I became kind of inured to the heat. I just do not remember it bothering me quite the way it does now. Maybe I'm getting old, or maybe it's hormonal. Who knows? Maybe it's just that I've come back to my Yankee roots and can't take the heat anymore. But whatever it is...it's hot. And since I don't feel like experiencing that blinding pain behind my left eye, I think I'm going to stay inside for the rest of the day.