Tired

I'm tired of writing posts like these. Yet another family I love is suffering through the turmoil of losing someone to cancer. You've probably picked that up from my last few posts. My brother's fiance's father has fought a very tough seven month battle against colon cancer, and it looks like the cancer is winning. His once bullish doctors have prepared the family for the end. And it's just so unfair and brutal and miserable. I want never to write a post like this again. I want no one I know ever to be touched by this insidious and evil disease ever again.

In the meantime, please pray for this family, and for this man, who has been an absolute beacon of positivity even as his body has not responded in the ways he's wished.
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Update: Literally minutes after I originally posted this, my brother called to say his father in law to be had passed away. I'll write a more complete post later.

Attitude Is Everything

I had a kind of stressy day at work. Nothing I can't handle, and it's all under control now, but stressy days are...you know, stressy. But about halfway through the day, I kind of went, "Wait a minute. I'm not helping myself by stressing and obsessing." So, I relaxed, I breathed, I brainstormed. And by the end of the day, things had improved by a lot. And I had an ally. Which always helps, am I right? I'm really learning how much a positive attitude and positive thinking really can turn your day (or whatever span of time you're dealing with) around. It's truly and amazingly transformative.

But, still. Eff cancer. I don't have anything positive to say about cancer today. Or ever.

Fighting It

On Friday, the guy who sat diagonally behind me got laid off. He was a guy who drove me up the wall. In fact, so afraid was I that my old position was going to start reporting to him (which it did), that I changed jobs, taking my current position. But once I no longer had to work with him quite so directly, he kind of started to grow on me, and so I was bummed for him on Friday. I don't know exactly why, but somehow in my head, it became a "him or me" thing, in terms of who would get cut. I just had a feeling one or the other of us would - I guess because, of my boss' direct reports, we seemed the two most likely to be on the chopping block, based on our job functions. I had kind of come to a place of peace with being laid off by the end of last week, so of course, I didn't get laid off. That Murphy is a trickster, indeed.

This weekend, we were up in Nashua with my in-laws, working on the condo. And it's so funny - that place has such a weird effect on my psyche. I felt SO positive about life in general last week, and then I got up there on Friday and my positivity took a nose dive almost immediately. I had to fight tooth and nail all weekend not to succumb to the darkness that so often swallows me up in that house. It's just the strangest thing, because as any of you who've been there know, it's a perfectly pleasant place. So, I think whatever my issue is with it, it's just some kind of internal/psychological thing. But I am really looking forward to our finding a home that the three of us can all feel happy about, together - that we can make our own together. Not that we didn't do that with the condo, but I don't think I ever allowed myself to feel real affection for it, for whatever reason. Totally unfair of me, admittedly, but it is what it is, and I'm looking forward to finding our family home.

Open Mind for a Different View...that one's for you, E

Lately, I've been ensconced in the most extended negative wallow I've indulged in in a long time. I think it's probably fairly understandable, since there's been a fair amount of stress, and a few sad things going on around me. I've always been kind of hypersensitive to that sort of stuff. It's very hard for me not to get bogged down by bad or sad things going on around me. And I kind of treasure that empathy. I like that I care as much as I do. But at some point, I do have to allow myself a little self preservation and not allow those things to swallow me up.

As such, I'm at a point now where I really just need to find a way to stay positive in the face of difficult times (the economy kind of directly effects my work environment) and sad times (eff cancer, y'all) and times of waiting (selling a condo in a tanking market is a GREAT time!). It can be a challenge, but life is a learning process, right? I can only take so much of the sad. And that's how I've been feeling. Sad. I've been a walking sad sack. And I can't take it anymore. And if there's one thing I know for certain, it's that if you want your life to change, only YOU can change it. So...I'm changing it. Again.

I just got to the end of my rope, waiting for something to come along to magically flip a switch and make things better. I remembered what I already knew - that part is up to me. If I want something to come along to make it better, I have to focus and find that something. I can do that. I've done it before.

I started small, just deciding yesterday to have a good day at work. (Actually, that's no small feat, lately.) And you know what? I had a great day at work. It was the best day I've had at work in a long time. So, that's something. Then, this morning, when B was throwing tantrums left and right (it's such fun when they figure out how to throw tantrums and decide to test it out constantly), I decided not to let it put me in a bad mood. It didn't. And when I dropped him at daycare, I felt a lot less guilty than I would've if I'd been grumped out with him.

Baby steps, you know? Are there still tough economic times going on? Yes. Are there still too many people around me suffering from cancer? Yes. And is that still making people I love horribly sad, and are those two things brutally unfair? Yes. And is it infuriating that there's nothing I can do to change any of this? Undoubtedly. But I can't. All I can do is figure out a way to live my life as fully as I can each day I have, and to love my husband and son with everything I have, and in fact to love everyone in my life as fully as I can. So, that' s my plan. In addition to all the sadness and pain in the world, there is happiness and magic, and I'm going to focus on that as much as I can. And I'm going to try my best to spread that sunshine and magic and love to the people who matter to me. And if you think that's corny, you can just bite me, m'kay?

Crisis of Faith?

So, yea. Last Tuesday was a rough day. I can't really go into the details, because it's not my story to tell, but suffice to say that people I love are in pain, and there is nothing I can do about it, and it's such an infuriatingly futile feeling to have. Maybe that's a terribly egocentric way to look at it, but it's how I feel.

So many people I love are in kind of a down cycle right now. I mean, not entirely - there are amazing and wonderful things happnening around us every day - there are babies being born and tiny ones growing stronger, and there are love stories happening and friendships flourishing, and all manner of good things. But on a very elemental level, there are a lot of people in my life going through some difficult stuff, whether it's personal, professional, financial, or some combination of the three. And it makes me wonder why it is that this is all happening at once. There must be some greater meaning to it, mustn't there? I don't believe God is totally random in tossing gauntlets. I'm sure there are those who would argue that that's just my naive way of comforting myself, but nevertheless, it's what I believe. I believe there is greater meaning out there. But sometimes, it's really hard to find, as it is now.

There are so many cliches about stuff like this: It's always darkest before the dawn; whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger; God works in mysterious ways...I hope all of these are true. I really do. I'm all for learning, but I mean, at some point, the effing lesson's gotta END, right?

Needing a Little Magic

I believe in magic. I believe that miracles happen every day. I believe that happy endings happen every day. I believe that faith can bring good things. I believe that prayer can move mountains. I believe that love heals all wounds. I believe it ain't over till it's over. I believe you have got to believe and fight and keep believing and fighting until you get what you want, what you need, what you're praying your heart out for.

I believe these things. I believe them with all my heart. I have to believe. I have to believe there is something to believe in.

Spinning Wheels and Ticking Clocks

Wow, it's been a while, huh?

So, as anyone not living under a rock knows, we're in tough economic times. My company has been having rounds of layoffs every few weeks and that obviously sucks. Many other companies are having layoffs, too, and in fact, a friend of mine got laid off from her job a couple of hours ago. It's just a rough time to work in the financial industry...which the majority of metro-Boston does.

I was talking to my brother last week, and he actually AGREED (I know! I dind't see it coming either!) that the biggest positive of Obama being elected is that so many people feel POSITIVE about him. And a lot of us really need something to feel positive about.

I go to work pretty consistently with a knot in my stomach because I am fully aware that as an individual contributor with a flexible work arrangement, I'm vulnerable as hell. I mean, I'm also the most underpaid person in my group, so it would be rather a stupid move to cut me, but...that doesn't mean it won't happen.

After days like yesterday, I almost think it would be a blessing in disguise. Yesterday, we had a group meeting during which a woman I work with verbally attacked me (Y'all know I'm prone to dramatics, but I swear I'm not exaggerating) over something completely false. Luckily, my boss knew it was false, so after allowing her to publicly berate me for a minute or two, he told her to let it go. But, like I said, that was after a couple of minutes of her literally yelling at me and snickering under her breath when I spoke up to defend myself. The thing is, my former boss yelled at me daily. I've got a fairly thick skin about that. But when someone calls me out, in front of my colleagues, about something that isn't even true? Oh, HELL no. It was honestly the most unprofessional behavior I've ever seen and I say that as someone whose former boss routinely used the word motherf*$&er in the work place.

When things like that happen, it just makes me realize anew how much I would rather being doing something else. I want my career to be writing books. That's what I want. But between being overworked (I had to leave at 5:00 last night because B wasn't feeling well, and so ended up working at home until 9:00) and having B, and trying to fix up and sell our condo, etc etc, there isn't a lot of time left over to write. So, then I think to myself that maybe if I got laid off, I could focus more on writing. Maybe I'm just rationalizing, preparing myself in case I get cut. Maybe it wouldn't work at all, since obviously we would need to pull B out of daycare. But it's a nice thing to fantasize about when a coworker proves herself unable to treat me with common courtesy and professional respect, on top of an already stressy and miserable working environment.

Sigh...And I'd been having such a great couple weeks. My birthday was fantabulous, we had a fun trip up to VT this past weekend, lots of fun family time in general...