New Year's Resolutions?

I understand the instinct to make New Year's resolutions. You come to the end of one year and the beginning of the next, and it feels like the time to re-set a variety of things in your life. That makes sense to me. Even for people like me, who truly, madly, deeply love the holiday season, it's an exhausting time when you tend to let a lot of the little things slide in favor of the madness. You get busy. If you're like me and work for a financial institution, you get busy at work, as well as at life in general. You likely don't get enough sleep, you're likely spending money like a fiend, you're running yourself ragged in a million different ways. And then, snap! It's over. And you're left with a feeling that you want to get things back in order. So...you make resolutions. They might be quite lofty, or they might be mundane and simple.

Either way, here's the thing about resolutions. They...don't last. I mean, I'm sure I could come up with examples of people who've successfully stuck to their resolutions, if I tried. I'm sure I even have, a time or two. But by and large, as the year goes on, life takes over and the resolutions fade to the background. That's the nature of life.

So, what I like to do instead is to recognize January 1st for what it is - a new beginning. I try to put all my petty grievances of the prior year behind me and start fresh. I try to forgive myself for letting things slide for that last six weeks of the year, and especially for that extra five pounds my mom's and mother in law's delicious holiday eats (not to mention the extra booze) helped me pack on and just say, "Ok. Here's my opportunity for a fresh start."

I try to do this at work, too, of course, but it's harder to implement since returning from the holidays launches us immediately into month-quarter-year-end madness. But I'm trying anyway, because miring myself in negativity doesn't help anyway, so why not focus on the positive? Why not focus on the new department head who actually seems to take an interest in my career development? Why not focus on the opportunities he's already created for me? Why not focus on the potential positives the mentoring I took part in last year may yield as the company begins to recover from the bad times? Heck, why not focus on the fact that, as this new year begins, the company isn't laying off my coworkers every other week?

We'll see how it goes.

A Decade

When you're young, a decade seems an unimaginably enormous amount of time. The eighties, for example, were pretty much my whole childhood. It seemed almost unfathomably long. When I would look ahead 10 years, I would think, "My God, I'll be so old then. That will be so weird."

That perspective changes over time, of course. Now, when I look back 10 years, it seems like yesterday, in so many ways. That's especially key today, the 10th anniversary of my grandfather's death. Now, it seems inconceivable that it's already been a decade. It's gone by so quickly. Nearly everything about my life that could've changed in that 10 years has. So much has happened. And yet, I remember that day as vividly as if it were yesterday. And I miss him as if he'd just been gone a short time, rather than 10 years.

It's so strange to think that someone who was so very important to me has been gone almost a third of my life, now. But the 23 years he was in it must have been more formative, I think, because he shaped such a huge part of who I became, even after he was gone. I've written here numerous times about the ways he impacted my life, and the ways he taught me what to expect from life and love.

Even since he's been gone, he continues to be so important to me. I talk to him about the important things, and at the times I need him, I know he's there. Still, what I wouldn't give to have him here in the physical realm, to hug me, to rub my head, to tell me everything will be ok. I miss that.

I realize, of course, that grandparents are generally only in our lives for the first bit of it. That's the nature of generational divides, isn't it? I realize that the death of an 85 year old grandfather is not a tragedy. But losing someone who means so much to you always hurts, doesn't it? And you always miss those people, don't you?

So, today, on the 10th anniversary of his leaving his physical life, I'd just like to tell him what I tell him most days, anyway. I love you, Buck. Thank you.

December 2nd

For such a long time, I doubted I would ever get married. I mean, I'm a romantic and I always believed in love, and I always knew I couldn't settle for less than the real thing and hoped I'd find that. But I had sincere doubts. I wondered if it could ever really happen for me. And my experiences with relationships seemed to confirm that. Time after time, just as I felt like it might be "it"...it would fall apart. And then, the one time it mattered most, it didn't. Sometimes, I still have moments where it all seems kind of surreal. Like today, when I realized that three years ago from that moment, I was enjoying my first dance. I waited so long for something that has sped by in the blink of an eye. It's crazy!

Anyway, my point is...thanks for making it all seem so easy, E! xoxoxo

What?!

Where the heck did the rest of November go?!

Singing Along

It's probably pretty clear from previous posts that music plays a pretty big part in my life. My grandfather is the proverbial leader of the band, so I think it's in my blood. I need near constant music, and if I'm not actually listening to any, chances are I've got a song stuck in my head to keep myself entertained.

There are so many bands I love and have loved, I can't even really count them. Probably, the mainstay bands I've loved most of my life are U2 and R.E.M. I barely remember a time I didn't love those bands, and I particularly remember falling in love with U2 when I was eight.

For the past few years, my favorite band has been Dashboard Confessional. I kind of stumbled onto them in 2002, when a friend of mine made me a birthday mix CD and put 'The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most' on it, and then around the same time, my gym kept playing the 'Screaming Infidelities' video. The next summer, I listened to 99X in Atlanta on line at work, and they would play 'Hands Down' in pretty heavy rotation. I went out and bought A Mark, A Mission, A Brand, A Scar and their unplugged CD...and my love affair with their music was officially on.

If you aren't already aware, this week they released their new album, Alter the Ending. It's as close to a perfect album as I've come across recently. Every song on it is a home run; heartbreaking and gorgeous. I literally cannot get enough of it. And the band has been on TV quite a bit, promoting the album. Generally, they've been playing the first single, 'Belle of the Boulevard' which is just a fantastic song.

I realize that as posts go, this one's not all that interesting, but trust me when I tell you...if you're looking for an album to get hooked on, this one's a good bet.

HA!

Well, that previous post was a day early, I'd say. This morning, B had to go in for another abdominal ultra-sound because his spleen is still slightly larger than it should be. He had an ultra-sound last spring and they determined the enlargement was likely due to a viral infection. But when he went for his 2 year appointment last week, the doctor noticed it was still large. So, the ultra-sound this morning. To say that B was unpleased with people yanking up his shirt and poking and prodding at his belly would be an enormous understatement. He was screaming and thrashing the entire time he was on the table, which is not really his usual demeanor. He cannot abide being restrained and isn't all that crazy about people touching his belly without his say so, and the combination of those, on top of being surrounded by strangers, was way too much for him. It was totally excruciating to have him so upset and be unable to calm him or comfort him in any meaningful way.

Meanwhile, the radiologist was not exactly a source of great comfort, telling me that the fact that he wasn't holding still was causing the pictures to come out blurry and making it look like his kidneys were too small too, and how they needed to get pictures of his lymph nodes to definitively rule out Leukemia/Lymphoma. I feel very strongly that words like these should not even enter the conversation unless or until absolutely necessary. Long story short, his kidneys are fine and his lymph nodes are too, and since his blood work has been normal, they've ruled out any of the really scary stuff. But in addition to relief, I'm feeling utter emotional exhaustion.

Raw Nerves

Once you become a Mom, you get put on everyone's distribution lists for all those "Mom" emails. You know the ones. They talk about the unfathomable beauty of motherhood and they describe, sometimes in detail you don't really need, the ways motherhood impacts every last aspect of your life. And it's not that they're not accurate. They usually are. But on the whole, I find them to be not all that well written and I find they kind of try too hard at eloquence. Not that I am like a bastion of writing excellence, but I'm entitled to my opinion.

But there is one I've gotten a few times that always kind of strikes a chord. It talks about how motherhood is like having a heart on the outside, or a permanently exposed nerve. That shit? Is true. That's precisely how it feels. No longer can I see any sort of movie, TV show, news story, etc, etc, about a mother losing her child or a child losing his mother without breaking down in tears. It's immediate and powerful.

This morning, B had to get an H1N1 shot. I've been terrified that he wouldn't be able to get one, and with his history of asthma, that could be a bad thing. But then, when it was time to get it, I was scared to death. I know the risk of not getting one is much greater than the risk of getting one. I know all the facts and did the research. But immunizations are still nerve wracking to me; this one in particular, since it's still pretty new. And of course, getting shots in general stinks because any time I have to be complicit in causing my child pain is a time I do not enjoy in the least. But it all went fine, of course, and my little toughie was barely phased, especially since he got a lollipop after the shot. The nurse said he was her best patient all morning!

Anyway, that raw nerve sometimes bleeds into other areas of my life, and so I apologize if you're one of the unlucky ones who's taken the brunt, on occasion.