Here Comes the Sun...

How intensely can the sun impact our moods? Pretty intensely. I mean, I think at this point, most of us know this, don't we? It's been studied repeatedly. There are diagnoses such as SAD. There is statistical proof that places with more sunshine tend to be "happier" while places with less tend toward depression. None of this is breaking news. So, why do I mention it? Because I think it's interesting (to me...again with the self absorption) that this has a greater effect on me in non-winter months than it does in winter ones. Maybe it's because crap weather during the winter is to be expected? I'm not even sure. What I do know is that last summer was no summer at all, really, and my psyche suffered for it. And I know that so far this April, we've been pretty lucky. But the past couple days were dreary and WHAM! My mood followed. And today, the sun is out and guess what? I feel better. Some of that is coincidental, I'm sure, and some of it is definitely hormonal, but the weather correlation is to exact to be ignored.

Showing My Age

I was at the library (pronounced lie-bee-bee) with B the other day. We were looking at books, and there were several with check-out dates from the late 1980's. This, obviously, was when I was a kid. Suddenly, it hit me that to HIM, the 1980's will seem as long ago as the 1950's seemed to me as a kid (since my mom was roughly the same ages in the fifties that I was in the eighties). I mean...OUCH. Of course, logically, I knew this already, but sometimes when thoughts like that hit home, it just makes you go, "Whoa."

And then last night, I was watching the SNL special on NBC. And they showed lots of clips of the musical guests, of course. And seeing Dave Grohl and Billie Joe Armstrong made me think about the fact that these two guys (and so many others) were, you know, youngsters when they first came into our consciousness, and now they're...not. Let alone Bono. I mean....So, it's just another one of those things that really highlights the passage of time, you know? It just seems so strange to me that the nineties were so long ago. But they were.

Artiste, or Just Self-Absorbed Brat?

They always say that artists are more sensitive than other people right? (Who is they, though?) They say that artistic bent makes you more of an empath, more in touch with your emotions, yet less able to control them. I can say with relative comfort that I fall into this category. I'm a writer and I'm an emotional mess a lot of the time. Whatever. It is what it is, and I'm okay with who I am. Mostly. But occasionally, I'll listen to what I'm saying, or I'll listen to my thoughts, and all of a sudden, I'm like, "Shut UP, you self-absorbed douchebag! No one CARES!" When I share this emotion with my confidantes (E, RB, my sis), they invariably tell me I'm way too hard on myself and that I'm not self absorbed. E generally tells me, in fact, that I'm not self-absorbed enough. But I really don't know that that's true. I talk about myself A LOT. And I mean, yea, I'm a natural storyteller, and storytellers tell stories about what they know and I know me, so...yea. But, still. I catch myself sometimes talking to my sister on the phone and I've yakked about my own day for like 20 minutes. I mean...WTF?! But then, I do also have friends and family in my life who, when I talk to them, I do more of the listening. So, maybe it all evens out? I don't know.

Anyway, another part of this "sensitivity" and "self-absorption" question is...I'm just SO sensitive to whatever's going on in my life. I get so stressed out over stuff that other people would barely register. I turn the smallest things into HUGE catastrophic events. My mother calls me The Agony and The Ecstacy...and it's TRUE. I can't even argue.

As a result, when I read blogs, I tend to gravitate to blogs by people who are surviving ACTUAL hardship. I find them so inspiring. They're as brave and positive and full of life as I wish I were. (Or at least as I wish I were at times because I do think I can be brave and positive...sometimes.) I've linked to some of these blogs in my sidebar. Two of the blogs are by people who lost their spouses to cancer and are raising small children on their own. I don't know either of these people, yet they are both inspirations to me on a daily basis.

Transition

Change is hard. Even when it's a change you want with your whole heart, it's just hard and usually a little scary. So, this week has been one of great ups and downs for me and my little man, who are both clearly undergoing radical changes to our lives and routines.

I know with absolute certainty that I made the right choice. It was the right choice for my family and it was the right choice for me, personally and professionally, in the long-term. But of course, that doesn't mean that I am just gliding along with a smile on my face. That isn't my nature. I have a near-compulsive need to know how things will turn out. And of course in life, you usually can't know how things are going to turn out. So, times of transition are just always scary.

And then of course, it's been a big transition for B, too. He is no longer going to "school" for the time being. We have re-located, but had visits to one set of grandparents last weekend and the other this weekend. And we haven't yet moved his bedroom stuff back up to Nashua, so he was in the pack & play this week. And as a result, he's been very emotional. Couple unusually horrific meltdowns in public. Always a good time.

But we'll get there. I know we will. Even with the weirdness of this week and the anxiety I've been feeling, I know we're where we need to be, and I know we'll get this Mommy and B thing down pat.

Done-zo.

Well, today was my last day. What a strange feeling that, after going to work at the same place (different groups, but within the same realm) for 9 1/2 years, I won't be going there anymore. It's funny. I thought maybe I would be sad. But I'm not. I mean, I'm a naturally nostalgic person, so I did spend the day reminiscing about my years there, and it was emotional to close the door on a fairly major chapter in my life, but I'm not sad. I have a certainty inside me that this was absolutely the right decision for me and my family. Still, it is definitely surreal to leave behind a place that saw me grow from a single 24 year old with no corporate experience to speak of into a married mother and professional with almost 10 years experience. I'm ready for my next chapter.

Change Is Scary...

I've been trying for days to write this post. But it's like I have so many thoughts that I can't get them in order to write anything coherent. So...I quit my job. I gave my notice last Monday and my last day is next Monday, April 5th. And then I'll be a stay at home Mom....at least mostly.

I started at my company over nine years ago. I never meant to stay there for nine years. I thought I'd work there for a bit, gain some experience, move on. But life's a funny thing, isn't it? We just can't quite predict the roads we'll go down. And so, instead of moving on outside the company, I moved on within it. I had several positions, several managers; some were good, some not so good. I had friends. Lots of them.

In the end, though, it wasn't the place I felt at home. The best way I can think to describe it is that I feel like I spent all those years trying to make my brain work in a different way than it naturally does. Trying to make it fit. But more than that, my place is with my son. And that drove the decision more than anything else.

I'm terrified by this huge change. I've worked since I was a teenager. I've made my own money. And although I'll continue to work part time, it won't be quite the same. But I know it will be worth the trade offs. I will get to do the thing that makes me feel fulfilled.

This really isn't my most articulate post, but that's the scoop. More to come when I feel a little less muddled.

Human

I'm imperfect. Breaking news. I'm fallible. I make mistakes and try to learn from them.

One of my strong points, one of the things I'm known for, is that I have a lot of patience. Not in terms of waiting for things, but in terms of people - I can be very patient with difficult people or people who are in difficult moods. It's what made me (I hope) a good teacher, and it's what makes me a good mother...most of the time.

But I still have days when I'm just overtired and overstressed and overwhelmed, and it's like B senses that innately and wakes up SUPER early those days and then is a grumpy, whiny bear all morning. And that's the kind of morning we had this morning.

It's so hard to be patient when your reserves are empty. It's so hard to be the unflappable Mommy you want to be. And so, if you're me, you end up being more snappish than you'd normally be (which of course exacerbates the whining etc) and you end up just rushing for the finish line of dropping the child at daycare so you can get some work done. And then you sit there, staring at your computer screen, hating yourself for not being a better mother and a better person. You obsess over that sad little face and think you're just a wretched human being for not being more nurturing when your toddler is overtired himself. You completely block out the wonderful half hour you spent cuddling and singing with him when he was smiling and giggling.

And on those days, all you can hope is that he'll take a great nap at daycare and come home ready to give you another shot. Which he will, because he isn't nearly as affected by your mutual grumpiness as you are. And thank God for that.