Disappointment

**UPDATE** The Komen Foundation has backed off the decision to cut this funding. Another success for online activism!

*****
Ten years ago this spring, my mom and I participated in the Avon Breast Cancer 3 Day. This was before the Komen Walk (3 Day) and the Avon Walk (2 Day) split into two separate events. It was among the most amazing experiences I've ever had. I credit it with cementing my adult relationship with my mother, as well as kick-starting a weight loss and fitness regimen that carried through the remainder of my twenties (though I need to get BACK into THAT now...digression).

My maternal grandmother died of Breast Cancer in 1971. I never knew her. Breast cancer is a very personal thing to so many of us, myself included.

And that is why it breaks my heart that I won't be able to support Komen anymore. I just cannot justify supporting a supposed charitable organization that is pulling funding to the largest single provider of free breast cancer screenings in the United States.

Believe me, I understand why. I understand why people have such an issue with Planned Parenthood. Abortion is a deeply felt issue on both sides of the argument, and there is no easy resolution. My personal views have been made clear repeatedly in this space so I won't go into that again now.

But here's the thing. Komen was NOT funding abortions at PP. I know for a fact that PP is very careful about assigning their donations and grants. They have to be because every cent is examined. So, I can say with a measure of certainty that Komen was, in fact, funding BREAST EXAMS. And now they're not. Which is shameful and embarrassing, and the reason I will have to pull MY support of THAT organization. Luckily for me (and those like me), there are lots of other places to donate to help eradicate breast cancer.

I guess if I ever walk again, I'll stick with Avon. Unless they do something equally boneheaded, that is.

Baby Love

I mean, it's pretty obvious to state explicitly that I love babies, right? But there are so many little things about having one in the house that I so adore, that I'd kind of forgotten about, and am remembering happily now that we have one again.

I love the feel of a sleeping baby in my arms. She's warm and soft and smells delicious. She breathes and coos quietly in her sleep. She smiles in her sleep if I touch her cheek. She nuzzles my shoulder and neck.

I love her purely joyful smile. This girl is kind of exceptionally smiley and I cannot get enough of her smile. When I walk into a room and she catches sight of me and breaks out in an enormous grin, it makes everything seem worthwhile.

I love the sound of her laugh. One of her favorite people to laugh with/at is her big brother, and it might be my favorite thing EVER to watch him perform for her and listen to her belly laughs at whatever goofiness he comes up with.

I love her personality. This child is a tiny force of nature - has been since birth. I am fascinated by her incredible independence and self assurance. I hope these qualities stay with her as she grows.

Hibernation

It's sunny and kind of warm today (especially considering it's January in NH), which always gives me the feeling of coming out of hibernation. During the frigid (and usually snowy) winter months, we kind of tend to hunker down and not do as much. This becomes particularly true when we have babies, or at least it does for me.

But I was realizing today that I've isolated myself more this time around than I did last time, even though this baby is older this winter than B was during his first winter. I think it probably has more to do with my emotional state than anything else. It hasn't been a conscious thing, but I think I haven't been as focused on my social life as I would normally be.

In most of my friendships, I tend to be the one who keeps contact. That's not a passive aggressive slap to any friends of mine who are reading this. Far from it. It just is what it is. I tend to be the needy one, for one thing, and therefore, I'm generally the one who makes sure contact is kept up and that plans are made occasionally, etc.

Thus, I realized today how many of my friends I haven't seen in ages. How many of them, even, haven't met E. I kinda miss my homies. I hope spring time and my improved mental state rectify this situation.

Sunshine

It occurred to me recently that, when B was a baby, the vast majority of my posts were about him and motherhood. Now, with E, I haven't posted as much period - probably largely due to being, you know, crazy busy. But even when I have posted, most of the writing hasn't been about her. Which is odd, since I haven't been any less engaged this time around, certainly. Suffice to say that my baby girl has been an absolute pleasure to get to know. She has a true sweetness about her, and she is generally a pretty happy girl. Despite my ongoing anxiety issues, she continues to be a source of joy and peace, and I'm really, really grateful for her.

He's a P.I.T.A., but he's OUR P.I.T.A.

I was just reading on People.com that Sarah Burke, the freestyle skier who crashed last weekend, passed away. That made me feel really sad. But oddly, it also brought a new sense of gratitude, since 10 years ago today, my younger brother was in a skiing accident. He suffered a severe concussion, but he's fine now. Reading that article today, of all days, reminded me what a terrifying couple of days we had, and how grateful I am that one of the biggest pains in the ass I've ever known has continued to BE a pain in my ass for the past decade.

In fact, one of my vivid memories from the morning after the accident was telling him, in his near delirious state, that he'd ruined my birthday, in an attempt to get a laugh. He said, "When's your birthday?" And I told him it was the next day. To which he responded, "Well, then I didn't ruin it. YET." The neuro doc said it was the best sign they'd had that he was going to be okay.

Anyway, yea, I'm glad he's still around. Wear your helmets, y'all.

2012 Will Rock

So help me God, it will.

I'm tired of being this depressed, depressing person. I'm getting my mojo back. By hook or by crook, these things will happen. I'm focusing on getting back to my positive self. In seeing the magic in the world and believing that I deserve my blessings.

That's all I got for tonight.

Whoopsie

I guess I disappeared there. Again. Suffice to say that post a couple down about rounding the corner was premature at best.

The anxiety came roaring back into my life and has just flat out refused to vacate. Oddly enough, it hasn't been all that fun. Go figure.

Any of you who were reading this blog last winter may remember that I was dealing with anxiety over my pregnancy (which I think I did not address until January or so, but which was definitely present during the holidays). I am learning that I tend to be more susceptible to anxiety at this time of year.

I'm also learning that there is, in addition to the post-partum element, a part of this anxiety that is sort of...self-centered/egotistical...? Like, I take things SO personally and create anxiety around things that really have nothing to do with me. And I have to remind myself that sometimes, it really doesn't have anything to do with me. It's a learning process, but I think I'm making some progress.

I talked with my doctor about going back on some form of medication, but pretty much the only thing available to me (because of the nursing) is the Zoloft, and as we already know, I did not enjoy the Zoloft. So for now, I'm going at this sans meds. If it becomes too unbearable, I guess I could give the Z another shot, or I could stop nursing and try an anti-anxiety med, but neither of those (particularly not the latter) is an option I'm really entertaining at present.

I think this is among my big lessons in life - figuring out how to manage this anxiety and live a life that is not ruled by it. ("No shit, MW." - everyone who has ever read this blog).

Anyway, in the meantime, I'm raising my four year old and my five month old. The four year old is...being a four year old the week before Christmas. Anyone who's ever had one knows what that means (read: AIYEEEEEE). The five month old continues to be a delight, notwithstanding teething misery. It does help me to remind myself of the insane blessings that have been bestowed upon me, especially in the form of my husband and babies (of course, I have to have a mantra of, "I deserve these blessings," because I'm a fun, neurotic type).

That's what's up with me. I am a BARREL OF LAUGHS, y'all. (At least I've still got my sense of humor, right?)