Gratitude

A friend of mine posted this morning about a friend of hers who passed away a year ago today, from breast cancer. She was 32 years old and had a six month old baby. That? Is a tragedy. My heart goes out to her family, and to her, because I can imagine the pain of knowing you would never get to see that baby grow up (at least not here in the physical plain). It sucks.

And, having a six month old myself, it is a really good reminder of WHY it is so important to be grateful for every single day I have with my precious girl (and my boy, too). Even the miserable days are DAYS. We would all do well to remember that.

I also have a dear friend from college who is battling ovarian cancer, and I know she's going to kick its ass into next week. Part of the reason I know that? Because this is a woman who is REALLY GOOD at living in the now and appreciating life.

Gratitude is a powerful tool. It can change your entire perspective. Days I wake up and remember to take  a minute to review all the things I'm grateful for are consistently better (by a large margin) than days I wake up and allow myself to feel beaten down.

Listen, I don't mean to preach here. I'm not in a position to lecture anyone. Just some observations for a Friday morning...especially since it being Friday topped my list this morning.

Disappointment

**UPDATE** The Komen Foundation has backed off the decision to cut this funding. Another success for online activism!

*****
Ten years ago this spring, my mom and I participated in the Avon Breast Cancer 3 Day. This was before the Komen Walk (3 Day) and the Avon Walk (2 Day) split into two separate events. It was among the most amazing experiences I've ever had. I credit it with cementing my adult relationship with my mother, as well as kick-starting a weight loss and fitness regimen that carried through the remainder of my twenties (though I need to get BACK into THAT now...digression).

My maternal grandmother died of Breast Cancer in 1971. I never knew her. Breast cancer is a very personal thing to so many of us, myself included.

And that is why it breaks my heart that I won't be able to support Komen anymore. I just cannot justify supporting a supposed charitable organization that is pulling funding to the largest single provider of free breast cancer screenings in the United States.

Believe me, I understand why. I understand why people have such an issue with Planned Parenthood. Abortion is a deeply felt issue on both sides of the argument, and there is no easy resolution. My personal views have been made clear repeatedly in this space so I won't go into that again now.

But here's the thing. Komen was NOT funding abortions at PP. I know for a fact that PP is very careful about assigning their donations and grants. They have to be because every cent is examined. So, I can say with a measure of certainty that Komen was, in fact, funding BREAST EXAMS. And now they're not. Which is shameful and embarrassing, and the reason I will have to pull MY support of THAT organization. Luckily for me (and those like me), there are lots of other places to donate to help eradicate breast cancer.

I guess if I ever walk again, I'll stick with Avon. Unless they do something equally boneheaded, that is.

Baby Love

I mean, it's pretty obvious to state explicitly that I love babies, right? But there are so many little things about having one in the house that I so adore, that I'd kind of forgotten about, and am remembering happily now that we have one again.

I love the feel of a sleeping baby in my arms. She's warm and soft and smells delicious. She breathes and coos quietly in her sleep. She smiles in her sleep if I touch her cheek. She nuzzles my shoulder and neck.

I love her purely joyful smile. This girl is kind of exceptionally smiley and I cannot get enough of her smile. When I walk into a room and she catches sight of me and breaks out in an enormous grin, it makes everything seem worthwhile.

I love the sound of her laugh. One of her favorite people to laugh with/at is her big brother, and it might be my favorite thing EVER to watch him perform for her and listen to her belly laughs at whatever goofiness he comes up with.

I love her personality. This child is a tiny force of nature - has been since birth. I am fascinated by her incredible independence and self assurance. I hope these qualities stay with her as she grows.

Hibernation

It's sunny and kind of warm today (especially considering it's January in NH), which always gives me the feeling of coming out of hibernation. During the frigid (and usually snowy) winter months, we kind of tend to hunker down and not do as much. This becomes particularly true when we have babies, or at least it does for me.

But I was realizing today that I've isolated myself more this time around than I did last time, even though this baby is older this winter than B was during his first winter. I think it probably has more to do with my emotional state than anything else. It hasn't been a conscious thing, but I think I haven't been as focused on my social life as I would normally be.

In most of my friendships, I tend to be the one who keeps contact. That's not a passive aggressive slap to any friends of mine who are reading this. Far from it. It just is what it is. I tend to be the needy one, for one thing, and therefore, I'm generally the one who makes sure contact is kept up and that plans are made occasionally, etc.

Thus, I realized today how many of my friends I haven't seen in ages. How many of them, even, haven't met E. I kinda miss my homies. I hope spring time and my improved mental state rectify this situation.

Sunshine

It occurred to me recently that, when B was a baby, the vast majority of my posts were about him and motherhood. Now, with E, I haven't posted as much period - probably largely due to being, you know, crazy busy. But even when I have posted, most of the writing hasn't been about her. Which is odd, since I haven't been any less engaged this time around, certainly. Suffice to say that my baby girl has been an absolute pleasure to get to know. She has a true sweetness about her, and she is generally a pretty happy girl. Despite my ongoing anxiety issues, she continues to be a source of joy and peace, and I'm really, really grateful for her.

He's a P.I.T.A., but he's OUR P.I.T.A.

I was just reading on People.com that Sarah Burke, the freestyle skier who crashed last weekend, passed away. That made me feel really sad. But oddly, it also brought a new sense of gratitude, since 10 years ago today, my younger brother was in a skiing accident. He suffered a severe concussion, but he's fine now. Reading that article today, of all days, reminded me what a terrifying couple of days we had, and how grateful I am that one of the biggest pains in the ass I've ever known has continued to BE a pain in my ass for the past decade.

In fact, one of my vivid memories from the morning after the accident was telling him, in his near delirious state, that he'd ruined my birthday, in an attempt to get a laugh. He said, "When's your birthday?" And I told him it was the next day. To which he responded, "Well, then I didn't ruin it. YET." The neuro doc said it was the best sign they'd had that he was going to be okay.

Anyway, yea, I'm glad he's still around. Wear your helmets, y'all.

2012 Will Rock

So help me God, it will.

I'm tired of being this depressed, depressing person. I'm getting my mojo back. By hook or by crook, these things will happen. I'm focusing on getting back to my positive self. In seeing the magic in the world and believing that I deserve my blessings.

That's all I got for tonight.