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My Life Is Good...

It is. It's really good. I'm blessed in so many ways. And recently, several people who are really important to me have received really, incredibly good news about various things, and that brings me more joy than I can express.

I have a job I love (at last), I get to spend my days with my little man, who continually fascinates and delights me. I have a warm, loving and incredibly supportive husband who takes care of me in ways I have dreamed about my whole life.

And yet (there had to be an "and yet" didn't there?), I feel...not quite right, somehow. I'm guessing the aforementioned thyroid issue is a big contributor. But I also think there's more to it. The thing about working in a job that made me miserable was that it was a really easy thing to blame any stray misery on. "Oh, I'm unhappy because I hate my job." Now that that's no longer the case, it is becoming increasingly clear to me that...something is just a little off. So, back to the drawing board, in terms of finding the root of the issue. Wish me luck!

Not So in Tune

I have thyroid disease. I was initially diagnosed with Graves' Disease at 16. It became so erratic and hard to control with medication that my doctors decided to neutralize my thyroid using radioactive iodine when I was 20. Since then, I have been on Synthetic Thyroid of various sorts and various doses. And the pattern, historically, has been that every couple years, I would discover that my dose wasn't quite cutting it, and it'd be increased. After I had Benj, my dose didn't change, and my doctor was really surprised, because apparently, that isn't typical...although, my symptoms and experience with thyroid disease as a whole have been pretty a-typical. I went last week, and discovered that my dose is too HIGH (this is a first) and I'm actually technically hyperthyroid (which, again, I haven't been since around age 19).

As soon as I got this news from my doctor, it was like, "OF COURSE!" This explains SO, SO many of the symptoms and feelings I've been having for actually quite a while now. The anxiety, the sleep loss, the weird appetite...I could go on. And I felt like such a DOLT for not picking up on it earlier. I remember these feelings so well from my teen years, and yet I failed to connect the dots. I was so much more in tune with my body back then. Then, life happened and other things took precedence and I completely missed the red flags.

But it's a relief to have something to point at, of that much I'm certain.

Steppin' Out...of My Comfort Zone

As has been well-chronicled in this space, the past couple years have been largely about my stepping out of my comfort zone. Shaking things up. Transforming the parts of my life that weren't working for me into things that do work for me.

To that end, I'm stepping WAY, WAY out of my comfort zone this weekend. I'm traveling to my new company's annual conference. I'm rooming with my manager, who is basically a rockstar in this setting. So, in other words, I'm going alone, because let's face it - she's not going to have time to hold the hand of her shy, newish employee when a) she has like 100 direct and indirect reports going and b) again, rockstar. So, you know. I'm TERRIFIED.

I'm also really excited. EVERYONE I've spoken to who has attended this event has said it is absolutely amazing, life changing, and the like. And the thing is, the way they've described things has generally turned out to be pretty accurate. And so far, I've been really pleasantly surprised at how easy it's been to make friends in this group, so I'm kind of hoping people will be willing to chill with me.

My comfort zone would've been to say, "Oh, that event costs too much," or, "Oh, I can't leave B," or what have you, and not go. But in early May (RIGHT before the registration deadline), I decided that if I'm going to make a go of this thing, I need to be there. When I approached E about it, he agreed and encouraged me, because as you all know, he is awesome. So, I emailed my manager and found that the ONE spot left was in HER hotel room. Clearly, I was meant to go.

I remember when I went to my orientation at UMass (and I apologize if I've told part of this before...I can't remember and I can't check right now because I have about five more minutes to write before B decides it's time to put the Mac down), I sat in lunch the first day and I thought to myself, "Ok. You can be like you were in high school and be shy and not talk to anyone and be MISERABLE about it, or you can force yourself to introduce yourself and talk to people, and see if that's better." And you know what? It WAS better. By miles and miles, it was better. (I've always been a late bloomer.) So, that's my approach for this, too. I spent all those years at my old company allowing myself to feel less-than, to feel like a misfit (not that I WAS, mind you, I just FELT like one). I'm ready to find my OWN inner rockstar, dammit. I'm ready to be more, and to live up to my own professional potential. And I'm not going to let myself and my comfort zone stop me.

June

Busy month.

My youngest brother got married last Saturday. He is the only to get married since I've had this blog. My sister got married in 1995 and the other three of us all got married in 2006/07. So, this was the last hurrah in terms of sibling weddings. Plus, he's the baby. I remember SO vividly the day he came home from the hospital and I decided he was MY baby. (I remember when my other little brother was born too, but I was 2 1/2 so I didn't fully "get" it.) It seems so strange that he's old enough to get married, even though he's been my go-to drinking buddy for like a decade.

And it was a good reminder of how fast life goes by. My baby brother got married, and my baby boy was a ring bearer! He looked so grown up (I mean, for a 2 1/2 year old), and he LOVED the whole thing. He ate up the aisle experience in a way quite reminiscent of his mother on her wedding day. Ahem. Anyway.

Those are really the moments that make me so, so glad I'm home with him now - the ones that remind me how FAST it all goes by. And my mother's friends who were stay at home moms were all so excited for me, too. That was a really nice feeling.

Anyway...life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it! ;)

What're YOU lookin' at?

Good Day

Today...well, I guess it was actually yesterday now...but it was a really good day. The weather was fantastic, and I spent the day doing fun things with my two fellas. Just the kind of day I love most. We started the day at the March of Dimes March for Babies, which was great, and then hung around at home for a while (nap time for B, mainly) before heading out for an early dinner. Lovely!

I have had a tendency, times in my past, to freak out after a really good day, in a, "Oh my God, something bad is going to happen now!" kind of way. Crazy, I know. But I have. But interestingly, that seems to be one area of my lifelong battle with anxiety that seems to have improved somewhat since getting married and having B. I have gotten better at just appreciating the good days, and treasuring them and being fully present in them. What a nice feeling, since really, truly good days don't usually happen as often as we'd like them to, and really should be enjoyed when they do happen.