Big Sky

My parents have had the same best friends since I was about three. Over the years, they've become more like an aunt and an uncle - in fact, that's what I call them - and their kids are my cousins. My uncle's parents were like another set of grandparents to me, growing up.

When I was six, I went on vacation with their family and my uncle's parents. During the trip, I called a summit with the grandparents. I sat across the dinner table from them and very solemnly asked them if they would mind if I called them their "grandparent" names - Mimi and Papa. They graciously accepted.

Mimi passed away in 2004, and Papa passed away overnight last night. Much like my grandparents whom I've mentioned here many times, they had a great love story. As such, Papa was never really the same after he lost Mimi, so as sad as I am to have officially said goodbye to a man I adored, I'm glad he is reunited with his great love. The title of the post is a nod to the fact that they grew up in Montana, so my aunt said this morning that Papa had returned to Big Sky Country.

It felt only right to pay a small tribute to my "other grandparents" here. They had one of the most unfailingly welcoming homes I ever had the privilege of visiting, and I will never forget that.

The Struggle

I had a really bad weekend. Not in terms of events, mind you, just in terms of my own state of mind. I don't know what the eff was going on with me, but I was an emotional mess. I felt like crying pretty much all weekend, and frequently did actually break down. Most notably last night, laying in bed next to a beleaguered and injured (pinched nerve in the neck) E, who was, as ever, supportive and patient and loving.

What was going on? I'm not really sure. Normally, when it gets this bad, it's hormone-related, but I can't really see where that would be the case, based on dates. Or, it could be thyroid related, but there again, I can't see how it would be, since I don't have any other symptoms.

More likely, it's a combination of things. 1) I am putting way too much pressure on myself to get back on the baby wagon. Shocking, I know. 2) I need to get my fat as* to a gym and get back in shape. 3) E was out of commission most of the weekend, which is only relevant b/c to a stay at home Mom, having no hubby support on a weekend is the equivalent of someone who works outside the home working all weekend, 4) The weather was crappy and B had a difficult time with that, 5) I've had a couple of really productive therapy sessions the past few weeks, and while the overall outcome of that is positive, I think I'm probably dealing with some "stuff" all that talk has brought to the surface.

So, what do I do? I don't know. I mean...other than the getting my as* to a gym part. I guess all I can do is continue to be enormously grateful for my amazing husband and unusually sensitive son. Which I am. Day in and day out. Even if I don't always show it because I'm too wrapped up in my own drama and am busy being a big baby.

Happy Halloween!

My little fireman.

Bittersweet

Soon after my miscarriage, a friend of mine who'd been through it warned me that one of the big stings would come when friends of mine announced (in person, on email, on Facebook, what have you) their pregnancies, with due dates close to mine. So, I was prepared for this event. And it's really important to note that I am SUPER happy and excited for all the expectant ladies I know. I do not begrudge anyone this joy. It's way too happy a thing for that. But there is definitely a bittersweet feeling to it, in that it makes me go, "Aw, man! I really, really wish I were still pregnant, so my baby would have so many awesome playmates!" Not that my baby won't, when I do get pregnant again - my sister was five months pregnant with my niece when I got pregnant with B. Logically, I get that. But MAN, I wish that pregnancy hadn't had to end so soon. But hey, I still believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe I'm just meant to have yet another Leo or Virgo (for example) in my life, as opposed to the Aries that baby would've been. Who knows...

Disillusioned

When I was younger and had a big ole political fire in my belly, I would go to Youth Vote rallies and do my best to be as involved as I could be in the political system. In 2004, I volunteered for John Kerry's campaign...admittedly, not because I was particularly enamored of him as a candidate, but because a) I was eager to get W out of office and b) the guy lived three blocks from me - proximity rules, you know?

And I would think about how people talk about getting into their thirties and forties and feeling politically disillusioned. I remember this being the reason behind low voter turnouts years back. And I couldn't imagine ever feeling that way.

And now, here I am, feeling so detached politically. I mean, I will still vote. It's too important not to. But I have to admit, there really isn't a candidate I'm all that jazzed about. The two major parties seem to be veering further away from center, and any third party candidates don't have a realistic shot at winning, so it's a little disheartening to consider casting a vote for them.

My main issues are as follows. The Democrats just aren't thinking rationally about the country's economic situation. They want to blame people like my family and former coworkers for the mess, and that's both irresponsible and unrealistic. They also don't have a clue about how to FIX the mess we're in.

Meanwhile, the GOP might have some better ideas economically, but their indulgence in their party's wingnuts is legitimately frightening. People who are so afraid of homosexuality in the abstract that they would disallow loving families from EXISTING? Terrifying.

So, what do I do? Who do I vote for? Well, for now, the civil rights issues win out for me because my conscience insists upon it. But the economic future scares the shit out of me.

New Artist to Check Out

Check out the debut album from Hudson Moore. Good stuff. (I do not get kickbacks for posting this. Just looking to help out a talented youngster.)

http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/fireworks/id400329081

Happy Birthday, B.!

B's third birthday was a good one, I think. We had a party on Saturday, attended by our families, including a surprise (to B) cameo by his cousin, Little E, who came down from VT. B had a fantastic time. And then tonight, we went out for a family dinner, and he was thrilled when they brought him a Hoodsie with a candle in it. To top off his day, he skyped with his NYC cousins. Good times.

My little boy is getting so big, so fast.