Talking to Papa

I miss my Dad all the time. All the time. But there are times when his absence feels particularly sharp. Today is one of those days. There were two things going on today that I could really have benefitted from discussing with him. And while I know he's watching over me, and while I do communicate with him, after a fashion, a nice, old-fashioned phone chat would've been super reassuring.

How do I communicate with him? Well, let's see.

The morning of his birthday, the week before last, I was awakened by the sensation of his kissing me on the cheek. He used to do that if he left for work while I was still sleeping, and it was a very distinct feeling, since he had a beard my entire life. I jolted awake, and then of course realized that he wasn't actually in my room, kissing my cheek. At least not on the physical plain. But it still felt like a message from him - some reassurance that things are going the way they're meant to.

Other times, it's more just a feeling I get. I tend to get so tense and anxious, and occasionally, I'll get this feeling of peace. It just comes over me. And maybe that sounds loopy or hippie dippy or whatever, but to me, it's just his way of letting me know he's with me.

I don't know. I just still have my sad moments, and my moments when I miss him so much.

This weekend was Memorial Day weekend - the first weekend we get together as a family each summer. My brother and his wife just finished building a new house at the beach. My Dad was such a big part of the planning of the house, and there is so much about it that he would have LOVED. So, while it was an amazing, fun weekend with amazing, fun people in an amazing, fun place, there were so many reminders of his absence. We all felt it. I know he was there with us, but it sure would've been nice to have him THERE with us.

Personal Growth Is Totally, Like, HARD!

As I said in a previous post, I started a new job in January. This is the first proper JOB I've had since leaving the company where I spent 10 years. (It was really tempting to say waste, if we're being honest, which we generally are, in this space.) I had the two nannyish type gigs in between, and the jewelry selling, but this is the first job where I go to an office and sit at a desk and all that good stuff. 

Anyone who's been reading this blog for a while knows how...effing brutal my old work environment was. I had the boss who was verbally abusive, who had a boss who was, I'm pretty sure, actually insane. Then, I had the chaotic, rudderless group wherein my boss literally hired someone two grades my senior to DO THE SAME JOB I WAS ALREADY DOING. Basically, by the time I left that joint in 2010, I had no professional confidence left. None. I had come to believe that, while the environment was crazy, I must also be a sub-par employee. I believed I wasn't competent. 

I've been in regular therapy since just after my miscarriage in 2010, and we've spent quite a bit of time on the anxiety that started during that work experience and exploded after E was born. And I've made a lot of progress. I have. But I've got a long way to go.

I panic over work on the regular. I convince myself I've made some kind of massive mistake. I convince myself I haven't done something I was meant to, or that I've done something I wasn't meant to. I work myself up into actual panic attacks. I can't seem to trust my own competence. But understanding that is in itself a huge step.

I'm a work in progress (you guys know that's my mantra, right?). I'm learning. I'm learning to leave old experiences behind me. I'm learning to trust myself. To trust that if I'm doing my best, that's the best thing for me.

And since I process through writing, it felt like something I should get out in this space, this struggle. I know my anxiety as a general thing is well covered hereabouts, but this particular issue felt like it needed addressing. 

I'm going to fight through this. I'm not going to live my life in fear, whether it's fear of freak medical diagnoses, or fear of trusting myself professionally or personally. 

Still and Always

Our house goes back on the market today, featuring all new flooring on the first floor. We are hopeful that the new flooring will make for a more pleasing entry into our home, since it's the first thing that greets visitors. We'll see.

Yesterday, I was doing some organizing in the basement. And I came across an unopened box containing a bottle of my Dad's cologne (Grey Flannel), which I'd found at TJ Maxx and was saving to give to him (They discontinued it several years ago and I've been stockpiling it whenever I've found it since). I'd given him a bottle a year or two ago for Father's Day, and I knew there was still plenty left, so I was saving this one for when he was getting low again. Seeing it, unexpectedly, in my basement, about undid me. I'd forgotten I'd put it down there. And it slapped me right in the face - metaphorically, of course - it's not actually magical cologne. 

Six months on, this still sucks. I don't cry every day anymore, and there are even times when I can think of my Dad without feeling like there's an anchor hanging from my solar plexus. But it still sucks. I still hate it. 

Fisher Price makes a Noah's Ark toy. My Mom has had it since my oldest niece was little. The Noah looks like my dad (bald, with white crown of hair and beard), and every one of the kids has referred to it as Papa. Recently, the daycare at the gym acquired one, too. E discovered the "Papa" doll recently, and now every time we go, she grabs it, and she plays with "Papa" while we're there. And she's generally pretty reluctant to give him up when it's time to go. 

This is so sweet. But it's also so heart breaking. I hate that her memories of Papa will be so toddler-fuzzy. I refuse to say she won't remember him, because she's my kid and I still remember my best friend when I was 2, Cindy, whom I haven't laid eyes on since 1978. But she won't have the lifetime of memories that I was lucky enough to share with my grandparents, and with Papa. And that, while part of life, and not at all uncommon, is bittersweet. 

My grandmother, who was so, so proud of her Irish heritage, LOVED St. Patrick's Day. She would proudly wear her green Red Sox golf cap and tell everyone that her maiden name was "Cashman, thank you very much." I like to imagine she's up there wearing her cap today, and tilting a few with my Dad (obviously wearing his favorite Kelly green half-zip sweater, which, being in heaven, has magically been restored to its stain-free form), and my grandfather, who is very likely grumbling about the crowds, while my uncle cannily finds ways through said crowds the way only he could. I could go on and on about who's at that party...the grandparents I co-opted as an extra set when I was six, my friend Erica, who was way too young to go when she went three weeks ago...I could go on. Sure, death is a part of life. Sure, acceptance of that is also a part of life. But that doesn't mean I have to like it.  

Scary

Anyone who doesn't want to read about the workings of my anatomy, skip this one.

The Wednesday before Christmas, as I was in the midst of shopping, packing (for both our trips to VT and MA, and our trip to Anguilla), I came home from the gym and as I was undressing, I noticed that there was what looked like water coming out of my left nipple. Odd. This was always my "leaky" side when I was pregnant and nursing, so it didn't immediately alarm me all that much. I called my Mom and asked if she'd ever had anything like that happen. She said she hadn't, but that she'd certainly heard about it happening.

The next day, it was there again. Naturally, being a hypochondriac, I started to panic at this point. I called my OB-GYN, explained what was going on, and that I was leaving the next day for VT, would then travel to MA, and then to Anguilla, being gone through New Year's. The nurse told me that I probably wouldn't get in for an appointment any sooner than the appointment I had previously scheduled for just after New Year's anyway, so I should just keep an eye out for increased volume, blood, etc. SUPER.

So, over the Christmas holiday and our (otherwise amazing) trip to Anguilla, I was obsessively monitoring my left one for any sign of the clear fluid. I was checking my bras when I took them off, etc. Mostly, I was noticing nothing. But on the few occasions that I noticed evidence of moisture, I would spin off into Panicville again.

At one point during the trip to Anguilla, I was in our bathroom (which was reminiscent of the "His bathroom is bigger than the Blue Banana!" scene in Pretty Woman), and I had a complete meltdown. What happens when a hypochondriac acquires a panic disorder is that her mind is wont to wander down some reeeeeeeally dark paths. I convinced myself that, although I could not actually feel anything out of the ordinary when I did my thrice daily self exams, I MUST be dying of breast cancer. I envisioned my children's lives without their mother. It was grim, y'all. And I'm not proud of it. But it happened.

Once I was able to gather myself to some extent I went outside and talked with my mother and older brother and sister, as well as E. My mother is of the "GET A GRIP, KID!" school, which is precisely what I need to hear. (Also, my neuroses come from her, so we have a sympatico that is helpful.) If there was one silver lining to this whole drama, it's that I felt absolutely present on this amazing trip with my family. I decided that, if this was actually "something," then by God, I was going to make the most of this trip and that time with my monkeys. And I did. It was absolutely amazing. My kids had a BLAST. And so did E and I. In that way, it was probably a good reminder. Since my Dad's death, I had felt a bit adrift, in terms of my usual upbeat (if occasionally neurotic) approach to life. I was having trouble feeling truly in the moment. And this really helped to re-focus me.

We got back from our trip on Sunday, January 5th. Monday, the 6th, I had an appointment with the OB-GYN. Tuesday, I started a new job. Wednesday, I had an appointment with a surgeon. So, that was a totally low stress week. Once the meeting with the surgeon was over, I felt much reassured, since she felt pretty confident that what was going on was just "fibro-cystic change," and that it was nothing alarming. However, to be thorough, she scheduled me for a mammogram and ultra-sound. Both of which I had this morning.

Both came back clear. Relief doesn't really cover what I feel today. Even though the surgeon had felt pretty confident, it's still just a super scary thing, not knowing for sure. And since the wonkiness has continued, at least to some extent...I wasn't able to relax...Although on my way to the appointment this morning, my grandmother sent me a little message (via a song, naturally) that helped a lot. Thanks, Mam!

So, if any of you has seen/talked to me recently and noticed I seemed a bit off, that's what has been up. I'm not entirely sure how articulate this post is, and I realize that in the grand scheme of things, what I've been going through is really a pretty routine part of being a woman in her late thirties, but it's been crazy stressful. I've had to beat back my hypochondria and tendency toward panic. I did a lot of thinking about what would happen if something DID happen to me. And I guess the silver lining there is, my support system is utterly amazing and I know my kids would be all right. And at the end of the day, that's the big thing we want as Moms, right?

But I also came out of this experience with a renewed determination not to be ruled by fear and anxiety. Since the onset of my panic disorder, and particularly since the flare up in 2012, I've felt like I was fighting this uphill battle to keep the axniety at bay. I've made a lot of progress, in that I've been able to move on from some of the "not grounded in reality" anxiety I was experiencing. But when something that is actually real and scary happens, it's a challenge to keep the panic in check. So, I've decided that I want to get to a place where I don't live with that knot in my solar plexus. I'm tired of feeling terrified. Life is scary. That's a fact. But living in a prison of your own fear just makes you MORE miserable. I can make things so much worse in my head than they are in reality, and what would be the point of that? I'm clearly a work in progress, but I feel like this episode was a big lesson. Is that gibberish? I don't know.

If you'll pardon me, I'm now going to enjoy the exquisite bottle of Cab my aunt and uncle gave me for Christmas, which I've been saving for this occasion.

Christmas

Once again, I've struggled to get this post out. I've started and drafted numerous times, and I'm going to try again.

How do you approach the holiday season when you've just lost a parent? More to my specific struggle, how do you approach Christmas when your Dad was Santa (see: previous holiday posts) and he's gone?

There is a not insignificant part of me that would love to just skip the whole thing this year. Every song, every decoration, everything, just tears me up inside, and it would be really nice to just put it away for a while.

But I have two young children. Children who've already been taught from birth that Christmas is magical and amazing. Children who deserve to enjoy the legacy that their grandfather left them - that Christmas should be relished, spent with family and friends, celebrated, well and truly.

And beyond that, I married a man who loves Christmas as much as my Dad did. Our wedding was a giant Christmas party. He took over playing Santa for the kids this year, so that they wouldn't have to do without. It wouldn't be any more fair to him than to our kids to neglect our favorite holiday.

So, I muddle through. I cry my way through carols and specials and stores. I'm more absentminded even than normal, which is REALLY saying something.

Maybe there will be a day, in the future, when I won't feel this constant ache. I don't know. Maybe? But I can say with certainty that it will never, ever be the case on Christmas. I will miss my one true Santa forever and ever.

Memories

I never really went through that phase of being embarrassed by my parents. It probably helps that my Mom is other-wordly beautiful and my Dad was ungodly cool. I mean, sure, I would have them drop me off like a block away from the movie theater, but that was way more because that was what I was "expected" to have them do than because I was actually embarrassed of them.

I remember going to Kennebunkport when I was 14, and thinking how great it was to be away, where I could unabashedly hold my Dad's hand as we walked around, not having to worry that my friends would think I was a dork for adoring him so much. Thinking how great it was that I could acknowledge how cool my Mom's fashion sense was as we shopped, without that same worry.

I remember when my Dad was running for school committee, and my parents and aunt and uncle were out in front of my school, campaigning. My boyfriend at the time drove me to school one morning, and as we got out of the car, my Dad and my uncle began predictably teasing us. We, particularly I, pretended to be absolutely mortified, of course. But secretly, we, particularly I, found it pretty hilarious. And my Dad clocked that instantly, of course. I still remember the mischievous twinkle in his eye.

I remember going to my Dad's office 12 years ago today, when we'd been sent home from work. I know I've talked about this before. He was still my ride in those days, since I moved into Boston the following week. I remember feeling exponentially safer, just being with him. I remember him talking on the phone with my brother, comforting him, keeping him calm, as he was able to do in a way no one else ever could.

Overall, I think I'm adjusting to my sucky new normal. I'll be relatively fine for stretches of time - even days, and then, WHAM! It's like, "HOLY SHIT. MY DAD DIED." It's like a foot to the gut. Or some little, seemingly insignificant thing will slam me, and I'll miss him so much I can't breathe around the enormous lump that instantly lodges in my throat.

He was just so rockingly awesome. He was self possessed, and so much cooler than I ever was or will be. He had this natural understanding of humanity that even his later crotchetiness couldn't entirely erase. It was why not one of the five of us EVER put anything over on him, EVER. But it was also why he sometimes didn't call us out on our shenanigans, but rather winkingly accepted them.

There is just a giant awesomeness vacuum in my life now. And I'm really grateful that I was never embarrassed by my parents, because I feel like it would've cost me precious moments that I now treasure.

Three Weeks

I wrote the below on Friday, but technical difficulties prevented my posting until today. 

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As anyone who has lost someone very close to them knows, the immediate aftermath tends to be somewhat surreal. I don’t know for a fact that an unexpected death makes this even more the case, but I have to imagine it does, to some extent (not worse, mind you, but surreal). You’re surrounded by people, a lot of the time. And there’s the planning. You have something to focus on, and while that something is concrete, it seems rather unreal.

And then things slow down, and for everyone around you, life returns to normal. Only, there you are, in this new normal - a normal you want absolutely no part of, but which you cannot escape.

And you feel torn. Part of you just wants to get through to the point when the new normal will actually feel somewhat normal; the other part of you wants to hold onto the fresh grief you’re experiencing because letting it go indicates a distance from this person you love that you cannot even stand to imagine.

Your emotions are so raw. Maybe an iPhone ad in which a small child talks to his grandparents on FaceTime will cause you to dissolve into snotty, incoherent tears. Maybe a routine telemarketing call to your parents’ house by someone asking for your father will launch you into such a state of rage that you’ll want to reach through the phone and throttle an unknowing stranger. Maybe your brothers’ remembrances of your father will make you laugh until your abs are literally mildly sore the next day (which is probably compounded by your lack of working out at the moment…but that’s a story for another day).

I’m staying with my Mom right now. This house is so full of my Dad. There are little things he left around, because he was only going to be away a couple of weeks. There are tools. There is his shed. There are the birdfeeders (OH MY GOD, THE BIRDFEEDERS, what was he, starting a sanctuary in the backyard?!) that need to be filled, like, ALL THE DAMN TIME. There is his library of every James Patterson novel ever published. And that dude is PROLIFIC. There is the Bremner Wafers tin. These are just a few inconsequential examples.

I miss him so much that I literally ache. I have no idea how to exist in a world where he isn’t here. I have no idea who to call now when I need career advice (which I will again eventually). When I need a Santa-vention for a misbehaving child. When I just need to hear my Daddy’s voice.

When I was in my teens and my thyroid disease was not yet diagnosed, it behaved a lot like depression. I remember one day, I just COULD NOT stop crying. For no apparent reason. If you’ve ever been pregnant, you totally know what I’m talking about, since it's a similar phenomenon. I don’t remember where my Mom was, but my Dad was home with me and my two younger brothers. And he didn’t get exasperated or angry. He hugged me to him like I was a little girl instead of a 15 year old, and he said, “Sometimes, you just feel sad, huh?” And he held me that way until I felt better. I didn’t include this anecdote in my eulogy, because I’d never have gotten through it.

Dammit, I just miss him. Every second.