Where I've Been

Clearly, I haven't been posting much this summer. This was due in part to my internal debate over when to reveal the big development in my life, which is that I was pregnant. Yes, that's past tense. Was. I think the reason I never posted about being pregnant was that I never fully relaxed into being pregnant, because there was a small part of my subconscious that knew it wasn't going to make it all the way through. There was just a different feeling to this pregnancy from the get-go than with B. With B, I knew the moment I conceived and I could FEEL that he was a tenacious little presence who would not be denied. I was violently ill from week 8 to week 14. This time, it took forever for me to even know I was pregnant, and then once I was, aside from the occasional strong craving for red meat, the symptoms were just not as intense. I had a few waves of nausea here and there, and a few bouts of dizziness and all, but I was 9 1/2 weeks along and hadn't yet experienced that all day naush fest, so I thin I knew something was off.

This entire experience, for those of you not lucky enough to have experienced it, sucks beyond words. It's really pretty painful, first off. And obviously, it's...really sad. For me. For E. For B. For the rest of our family and the friends we'd told. Just a bummer of huge proportions.

I also feel really conflicted because as I've documented here, my pregnancy with B came as such a SHOCK. It took me a really long time to feel excited because I felt so truly shocked and freaked out. This time, I was so excited. My best friend and my cousin are both expecting and are due within a short time of when I was. I was so PSYCHED about that. And I felt so much more ready this time around. I mean...we were actually trying for one thing. And none of this is to say I feel anything but the most pure love for B. He was the best surprise of my life, by a long shot. I cannot imagine an existence in which he didn't come along.

I know that everything happens for a reason. So, I trust that there is a reason this baby wasn't meant to stay with us. I know that. Doesn't mean I won't spend the majority of the next few days crying.