Less Fun Anniversary

Today is the ninth anniversary of my grandfather's death. I really can't believe it's been almost 10 years. It seems like just yesterday. He was such a force in our family, and was certainly my favorite person. He had an uncanny ability to make you feel like you were the most special person in the world - the only one who mattered to him. So many of my best and happiest memories of childhood and early adulthood include him. Many of them are of just sitting with him while he rubbed my head and sang 'You Are My Sunshine.'

Most of you probably already know this story, but that's okay. The day Bucky died, we knew he didn't have long, so I decided I'd better head to my sister's house (we were living in Atlanta at the time). In December of 1999, Creed was omnipresent on the radio. So, it wasn't unusual that their song 'Higher' should be on the radio. And I'd never given the song or the band much thought. But in that moment, when I heard that song, which is about heaven, I just had a feeling that it was a message from Bucky. Sure enough, when I got to my sister's house, my brother in law was in the driveway waiting for me, and he told me Bucky had passed away while I was on my way over. Further cementing my belief that the song was a message from him is the fact that on many occasions since then, when I've needed a little lift or reassurance, that song has come on the radio. It becomes more meaningful as time passes, since Creed is...not as omnipresent nowdays. The day we were driving B home from the hospital, we heard it. And it was like a little nod from Bucky that he was watching over my new family.

I still miss Bucky every day. My hope for everyone I care about is that they have a source of such pure, unconditional love in their lives. We all deserve someone who inspires in us a reaction of pure joy and comfort. Even nine years after he left the physical world, I am still comforted by the love and guidance he offers me, in his way.

To you, Buck! xoxoxo

Anniversary

Today is E's and my second anniversary. It's been a pretty eventful two years, obviously. My second anniversary doesn't really look like what I thought it would look like, and yet it's a very satisfying time. Some of my dreams haven't quite come true yet, but the biggies have, in spades.

My whole life, I've been a hopeless romantic. From my earliest memories, I dreamed of finding that one person to fall in love with and build a life with. Maybe it's because, despite often driving each other crazy, my parents had a very passionate and love filled relationship. Maybe it's because my grandparents had the kind of love story you don't think really happens unless/until you've witnessed it. But whatever the reason, it consumed me, this desire to find love. I read romance novels voraciously. I couldn't get enough of romantic movies (I mean...probably not that many 14 year olds in the 1990's had crushes on Gene Kelly - am I right?).

By the time I was 28, I'd gone through a lot of not right guys. There were guys who were not very nice to me, guys who brought out the not very nice side of me, and guys who seemed perfect, but weren't right for me. It always seemed like I'd get right to the brink - right to the point when I'd think, "Maybe..." and it would promptly fall apart. Even E and I, the first time we dated, got to the point when I thought, "Hey, I like this guy," and then it fell apart. In September, 2004, I wrote in my journal, describing exactly the man I was looking for. I described a couple of physical features (smiley eyes, a kind smile) and many, many non-physical attributes. One week after I wrote that entry, E reappeared in my life. And I think that, on some level, I knew right when he reappeared that he was the one for me. Of course, I didn't admit it for a while. I put him through his paces first.

As soon as we decided to be together, I was struck by how easy it was to be together. All the angst that had been part of my previous relationships just wasn't there. Even when I screwed up, which we all inevitably do in the early stages of a relationship, things got resolved easily, with good and satisfying communication. Whenever I had doubts or questions, E would do whatever needed doing to answer those questions or disspell those doubts. I gave many tests and he passed them all; I threw up many obstacles and he cleared them with what seemed like minimal effort. For the first time, I felt safe and secure in a relationship. I felt loved.

My whole life, I had dreamed of having someone throw me a surprise party. I mean DREAMED of it. Kind of obsessively. For my 30th birthday, E did just that. He threw me a HUGE surprise party, full of family and friends. And in the middle of it, he surprised me again by dropping ot his knee, pulling my dream engagement ring out of his pocket, and asking me to marry him. I remember that moment so vividly - the image of the ring, and the thought that I couldn't believe this was really happening to me.

Eleven months after that, on December 2, 2006, we got married. That day was everything a wedding day should be. It was happy, it was fun, it was the beginning of the newest chapter of our life together. If I could relive one day in my life, I'm pretty sure I'd choose that one. It was the day that my best friend, the love of my life, became my husband. What could be better than that?

Two months into our marriage, I got pregnant. It was sooner than we'd planned, and sooner than I probably would've wanted, but isn't the best part of life the fact that sometimes the things we don't plan, don't even know we want, turn out to be dreams come true?

So, although I still have dreams that have yet to come true, my two dearest dreams - to be a wife and to be a mother, already have. And today is a celebration of that. So, thanks to my amazing husband for fulfilling a hopeless romantic's life long dream of true love.

Happy Belated Birthday

I meant to write yesterday to wish my grandmother a happy 93rd birthday. After a very rough go earlier this year, she's made what seems like a miraculous recovery and is living happily at an assisted living facility near my parents. xoxoxoxo

Wait. What?!

In an election where people of my political leanings were generally elated, the one BIG, BIG downside is the passing of Prop 8 in California, and similar measures in other states. And unsurprisingly, I have some thoughts. I have a lot of thoughts. I'm going to limit myself here to just a few. The main argument against legal gay marriage is this whole, "redefining" marriage issue. And people get very het up about the fact that marriage has meant one thing for thousands of years, and that it's defined in the bible. Okay. I get that reservation. It's stupid, but I get it. But...since when does California, or any state, govern based on the bible? Don't get me wrong. I love the bible. But this country was FOUNDED on the separation between church and state. And most of the gay couples I know who want to get married aren't as interested in the religious ceremony as they are in the NON-RELIGIOUS legal rite. If E and I had wanted to, we could have marched down to city hall and had a completely secular marriage there.

Because E and I are legally married (not because we are married in the eyes of the Catholic church, although we are), we are able to file joint tax returns, and get a bunch of other ancillary benefits like that. What California has done is to preclude an entire segment of the population from those benefits. How ridiculous is that? These people pay taxes, do they not?

One of the most assinine arguments in favor of measures like Prop 8, that I've heard, is that legalizing gay marriage opens the door to any kind of marriage (ie. marriage to relatives or animals)....Really? Think of it this way. What if, every time a new governor were elected in a state, he/she were able and allowed to nullify marriages in a religion other than his/her own. How ridiculous would that be? But that's what we're talking about, here. Californians are saying that marriages that do not align with their personal religious or moral beliefs are not valid. And we can't allow that kind of bigotry and intolerance to stand in a country that was founded on a premise of freedom from persecution.

Falling

I fell in love with my son before I actually knew he was a son. I fell in love with him just staring at a second pink line on an EPT stick. I fell in love with him with every day I felt sick. I fell in love with him the first time I felt him move, and every time after that. I fell in love with him as my pregnancy advanced and I could actually see him moving in there. I fell in love with him when the nurse laid him on my chest and I finally learned he was B, and all throughout that first night while we were skin on skin to warm him up. I fell in love with him as he slept away those early days, and then as he began to wake up and see the world. The first time he smiled at me, I fell so hard it was like something from a movie. And I fell all over again at his first giggle. And the first time he kissed my cheek, the first time he blew me a kiss, the first time he said Mama, the first time he climbed the rails of his crib to get to me, and a million other times in the past year. And I fall in love with him all over again every time I'm holding him as he falls asleep, and his head is on my shoulder, his soft hair on my cheek, and I can hear his peaceful breathing in my ear. I was never someone who thought such a simple thing could represent one of the biggest thrills in my life, but it does. We had kind of a rough day today. He was uncharacteristically cantankerous. But even on days like today, this is all still true. Like a friend of mine said today, "That's why God made babies so freaking cute!" There is more wisdom in those words than you'd think.

Family Ties

The above-referenced sitcom was one of my favorite 80's classics. It was more well written and well acted than a lot of its ilk, and the family in question rang pretty true for me. And it was funny. The hippie parents who produced a Nixon loving young Republican, the ditzy, fashion loving older daughter and brainy, outspoken younger daughter, I knew families like this - families that, despite their differences, loved each other and were on the same side when the chips were down. I even WAS (and am) part of a family like that.

The character of Alex P. Keaton was endlessly fascinating to me, for a number of reasons. First, because he reminded me uncannily of my oldest brother, who himself was glued to the TV on the day of Nixon's funeral (and who YELLED at me for not showing the proper amount of respect when Bob Dole was eulogizing Tricky Dick). Second, he fascinated me because he was the outlier in his family - the rogue conservative in a family of liberals. And in that way, I found him relatable.

My family, generally, are Republicans. The grandfather I've mentioned so many times, was a staunch conservative. He passed that on to his oldest son, who in turn passed it on to HIS oldest son. But although my father and brother are the most conservative, it's my entire family who falls on the right side of the aisle. My mother is socially rather progressive, but when it comes time to vote, her fiscal side takes over and she votes Republican, as do the rest. I'm the outlier, having never voted for a Republican candidate in a presidential election. This year is the closest I've come. I would have considered casting my vote for John McCain, thereby tickling my father and brother pink, if he hadn't chosen as his running mate someone who is so far to the right that she honestly frightens me.

This election was pretty contentious. There was so much negative information in the media about both tickets, with the vast majority of it fixating on Obama and Palin. Daily, I got forwards from family and family friends positively bashing the man who will be our next president. Some of it focused on his very progressive economic policies. This, I get. To someone who is a fiscal conservative, Obama's policies would be disconcerting, at best. But more of it, much more, was based on his race and on speculations about other parts of his cultural identity, all of which was disproven. These were the emails that offended me. And it further offended me that these people, who presumably know me, and therefore at least should know that I am very passionate about my politics, would think these lies would either interest me or influence me. I also got a great many emails from liberal friends, associates and organizations, pointing out both true and false failings of both McCain and Palin. The difference is that I had the respect for the conservatives in my family and friend base not to pass these emails along to them. I'm really not sure why they can't show me the same respect in return. Maybe next time I SHOULD pass the liberal emails along in return? Eh, whatever. For this time, my guy won, and in the end, that matters a lot more.

Just because my views are different from those of so many of the people in my life does not invalidate them. It also does not mean that I am just some hippie dippy liberal, swaying from candidate to candidate based on nothing more than a given candidate's "it" factor or charisma. I vote based on the candidate whose platform best aligns with the beliefs I hold dear. These beliefs are largely not economically based. To me, the social policies are the key ones. I don't ask anyone to agree with me, but I do ask that people respect that and let me be (which is usually too much to ask). I believe that a gay couple who is committed to each other should be allowed to marry each other, and to raise a child if they so choose. (And furthermore, I believe that being gay is NOT a "lifestyle choice" but a part of our genetic makeup.) I believe that, although I have never had, or paid for, an abortion, that it should be legal. I understand fully the view that abortion is wrong. However, making abortion illegal is, I think, dangerous and reckless (let's be honest - people are still going to have them - just not in a safe, sterile environment) - not to mention a waste of time, since it's already been voted on by the Supreme Court. I believe that healthcare should be accessible to everyone. I and my family are incredibly fortunate to have good, comprehensive health insurance, but I have known so, so many people who haven't, and who have paid far too steep a price for things that, in America, should be automatic. I could go on all day.

In 2000 and 2004, I volunteered for the DNC. I was afraid of George W. Bush from the get go. And as it turned out, I had good reason. It frankly astounds me that Bill Clinton was almost tossed out of office for lying about a blow job, yet George W. Bush wasn't tossed for lying about WMD's and being complicit (unaware?) in his VP outing a covert CIA operative. In the end, that blow job really only hurt Bill Clinton's family (and Hillary is still married to him, by conscious choice), while those non-existent WMD's have had an enormous impact on this entire country. But anyway. I volunteered in those elections and was incredibly disheartened by the outcome, both times. Last night, I had an email exchange with my brother in which he alluded to the decline of our once great nation. What he fails to realize is that millions of us felt exactly the same way in the last two elections. Politics, like everything else, tends to be cyclical. We all deserve to see our candidate win sometimes, and for we liberal leaning folks, it's been a very, very long eight years.

In closing, I would just like to note that, throughout this election season, I found myself sorely missing Tim Russert on Meet the Press. His ability to objectively and incisively get to the root of an issue and the root of a candidate's or pundit's opinion was singularly immeasurable, and I missed that source this year. Particularly last night, I longed for his straight talk and white board. I hope that he enjoyed this exciting and historic election, wherever he is now.

Halloween '08