December 2nd

For such a long time, I doubted I would ever get married. I mean, I'm a romantic and I always believed in love, and I always knew I couldn't settle for less than the real thing and hoped I'd find that. But I had sincere doubts. I wondered if it could ever really happen for me. And my experiences with relationships seemed to confirm that. Time after time, just as I felt like it might be "it"...it would fall apart. And then, the one time it mattered most, it didn't. Sometimes, I still have moments where it all seems kind of surreal. Like today, when I realized that three years ago from that moment, I was enjoying my first dance. I waited so long for something that has sped by in the blink of an eye. It's crazy!

Anyway, my point is...thanks for making it all seem so easy, E! xoxoxo

What?!

Where the heck did the rest of November go?!

Singing Along

It's probably pretty clear from previous posts that music plays a pretty big part in my life. My grandfather is the proverbial leader of the band, so I think it's in my blood. I need near constant music, and if I'm not actually listening to any, chances are I've got a song stuck in my head to keep myself entertained.

There are so many bands I love and have loved, I can't even really count them. Probably, the mainstay bands I've loved most of my life are U2 and R.E.M. I barely remember a time I didn't love those bands, and I particularly remember falling in love with U2 when I was eight.

For the past few years, my favorite band has been Dashboard Confessional. I kind of stumbled onto them in 2002, when a friend of mine made me a birthday mix CD and put 'The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most' on it, and then around the same time, my gym kept playing the 'Screaming Infidelities' video. The next summer, I listened to 99X in Atlanta on line at work, and they would play 'Hands Down' in pretty heavy rotation. I went out and bought A Mark, A Mission, A Brand, A Scar and their unplugged CD...and my love affair with their music was officially on.

If you aren't already aware, this week they released their new album, Alter the Ending. It's as close to a perfect album as I've come across recently. Every song on it is a home run; heartbreaking and gorgeous. I literally cannot get enough of it. And the band has been on TV quite a bit, promoting the album. Generally, they've been playing the first single, 'Belle of the Boulevard' which is just a fantastic song.

I realize that as posts go, this one's not all that interesting, but trust me when I tell you...if you're looking for an album to get hooked on, this one's a good bet.

HA!

Well, that previous post was a day early, I'd say. This morning, B had to go in for another abdominal ultra-sound because his spleen is still slightly larger than it should be. He had an ultra-sound last spring and they determined the enlargement was likely due to a viral infection. But when he went for his 2 year appointment last week, the doctor noticed it was still large. So, the ultra-sound this morning. To say that B was unpleased with people yanking up his shirt and poking and prodding at his belly would be an enormous understatement. He was screaming and thrashing the entire time he was on the table, which is not really his usual demeanor. He cannot abide being restrained and isn't all that crazy about people touching his belly without his say so, and the combination of those, on top of being surrounded by strangers, was way too much for him. It was totally excruciating to have him so upset and be unable to calm him or comfort him in any meaningful way.

Meanwhile, the radiologist was not exactly a source of great comfort, telling me that the fact that he wasn't holding still was causing the pictures to come out blurry and making it look like his kidneys were too small too, and how they needed to get pictures of his lymph nodes to definitively rule out Leukemia/Lymphoma. I feel very strongly that words like these should not even enter the conversation unless or until absolutely necessary. Long story short, his kidneys are fine and his lymph nodes are too, and since his blood work has been normal, they've ruled out any of the really scary stuff. But in addition to relief, I'm feeling utter emotional exhaustion.

Raw Nerves

Once you become a Mom, you get put on everyone's distribution lists for all those "Mom" emails. You know the ones. They talk about the unfathomable beauty of motherhood and they describe, sometimes in detail you don't really need, the ways motherhood impacts every last aspect of your life. And it's not that they're not accurate. They usually are. But on the whole, I find them to be not all that well written and I find they kind of try too hard at eloquence. Not that I am like a bastion of writing excellence, but I'm entitled to my opinion.

But there is one I've gotten a few times that always kind of strikes a chord. It talks about how motherhood is like having a heart on the outside, or a permanently exposed nerve. That shit? Is true. That's precisely how it feels. No longer can I see any sort of movie, TV show, news story, etc, etc, about a mother losing her child or a child losing his mother without breaking down in tears. It's immediate and powerful.

This morning, B had to get an H1N1 shot. I've been terrified that he wouldn't be able to get one, and with his history of asthma, that could be a bad thing. But then, when it was time to get it, I was scared to death. I know the risk of not getting one is much greater than the risk of getting one. I know all the facts and did the research. But immunizations are still nerve wracking to me; this one in particular, since it's still pretty new. And of course, getting shots in general stinks because any time I have to be complicit in causing my child pain is a time I do not enjoy in the least. But it all went fine, of course, and my little toughie was barely phased, especially since he got a lollipop after the shot. The nurse said he was her best patient all morning!

Anyway, that raw nerve sometimes bleeds into other areas of my life, and so I apologize if you're one of the unlucky ones who's taken the brunt, on occasion.

TWO!

Today is B's second birthday. It seems impossible that he's already two, and yet it also seems impossible that he's only been in our lives for two years. The conundrum of parenthood. Of course, when babies turn one, they generally don't really "get" the whole birthday thing. They know they get presents and cake, but they don't really grasp why. It's still slightly fuzzy even at two, but they're starting to get it more, at any rate. B has really been enjoying singing Happy Birthday today, considering it's one of his favorite songs anyway. And he's definitely quite taken with the fact that we're saying, "Dear B." He's also really enjoying telling everyone he's "TWO!" today (hence the post title).

I remember some things from October 25, 2007 so vividly it's as if they just happened. Other things are such a blur they might have happened a lifetime ago. Again, the conundrum of parenthood. Mostly, I remember the mixture of emotions - elation and stark terror, exhaustion and hyper-alertness. I remember thinking that I wasn't really so sure, after all, that I was ready for this. And of course I wasn't. No one ever is. But here I am, two years later. I still don't know what the hell I'm doing, a lot of the time. But I do know that I love my son more with every day that passes, and I know that I would do anything for him, and in the end, that's probably the most important thing.

Happy Birthday, Buddy Bud!

Life's a Funny Thing...

Our condo in Nashua has been on the market for several months, and hasn't yet sold. It's been SO frustrating to us. We've been racking our brains, trying to come up with things we could do to help it sell. And then, the week before last, E got offered a job up that way. We both felt like it was some kind of tremendous stroke of luck or divine intervention for him to get such a great opportunity in this economy, in a location he can get to pretty easily from where we happen to own a home! Crazy!

I had been praying and Secreting about a development like this so hard for so long, it almost didn't feel real at first. Now, it's sunk in, and we're in the reality of trying to work out logistics. What will this mean for our family? After all, one of the main reasons we left Nashua in the first place is that my commute was so horrendous, and I didn't get enough time with B. I'm trying not to obsess on these concerns, and instead to trust God/The Universe to provide me with the answer to the question, "What is the best thing to do?" I know what I want to do, but is that the best for my family?

So, that's why you haven't heard much out of me lately...lots of thinking going on. Lots of thinking.

And randomly, just a quick story about my sweet boy. This morning, he was having another of his cranky mornings (all too common lately). I mean, I have to admit, this kid was driving me nuts. I was really annoyed. But then he put on his cow rain boots and cheered right up. Now. His cow rain boots are basically too small, and he can only really put them on without socks. My thought was wearing those to daycare...on a warm, sunny day...was probably not our best move. So, instead, I brought out the new shoes we'd gotten him a few weeks ago for fall/winter. We put those on instead, and he was psyched to wear them (and I was psyched they weren't too big as I'd been fearing). So, as we got ready to head out the door, I squatted to help put his jacket on, and in his delighted state he came running over and tackled me with a hug and kisses. It's amazing, the lightning speed with which annoyance can disappear in the face of hugs and kisses from an almost two year old.

The boots in question

And just another cute shot from recently