Trying to Be Coherent

http://joemygod.blogspot.com/2011/02/georgia-wingnut-gop-rep-wants-police-to.html

I saw this via twitter a little while ago, and I've been feeling sick and fighting off tears ever since. I realize this guy is a wing nut and I probably shouldn't even take him seriously, but I just can't ignore the horribly misogynistic overtones of this bill.

I understand that a lot of people are anti-choice. I even understand why. I do. Like I said yesterday, I think it's important for abortion to be legal, but I hardly expect other people to agree with that stance on an issue that is so fraught with emotions. And I understand that this type of wing nut views Roe v. Wade as too difficult to try to overturn, and so the alternative is to create bills like this one.

What makes me want to cry about this bill is the thought of someone having come to me after my miscarriage, an event you all know devastated me emotionally, to "investigate" it, to ensure it was "spontaneous." The bit about asking family members what caused the miscarriage especially sickens me. I can imagine someone going to E and asking him, "What did your wife do to cause this?" I mean...he would've landed himself in jail for punching a cop if he'd been asked that. And furthermore, as I've documented here, no one knows what caused my miscarriage. So, does that mean that this guy thinks I would be under suspicion of murdering my embryo? Chilling, isn't it?

Disgust

For those of you who don't want to read another of my politically-adjacent rants, well, stop reading now. For those who'd be shocked or offended to learn that I'm pro-choice, do the same.

So, yea, I'm pro-choice. That's right. I'm a pregnant mother who's had a miscarriage that devastated me, and I'm still pro-choice. Would I ever have an abortion? I honestly cannot imagine the scenario in which I would. But I think it's important for it to be legal, for so many varied reasons that I probably wouldn't have time to touch on all of them in this space. I am lucky enough never to have had to face the decision of whether to have one. I've had friends and loved ones who have, and that implication that pro-lifers often make that women make that decision blithely offends me, because I do not know one person who ever made that decision lightly. I know people who still mourn the decision, years later. I know people who know it was the right decision for them at the time, but who still wistfully wonder about the road not taken. But I don't know anyone who ever said, "Eh...easier to just end it." Maybe some MEN think that way, but...they're not the ones with the embryo growing inside them, now are they?

I also have some pretty strong feelings about rape. Shocking, I'm sure. As a daughter, a sister, a wife and a mother of a son, I feel very, very, very strongly that a woman should NEVER falsely accuse a man of rape. There is absolutely no justification for that. It's disgusting and it sets back the cause of rape prevention every single time someone does it. That said, I, and all the women I know, and God willing the men too, know what rape is. And what it's not. Date rape? Is rape. No means no, like we've all been taught. There is no need to redefine the word rape, thank you very much Congressional Republicans. And to you men in Congress who are interested in redefining rape, consider this. If someone sodomized you against your will, would you want to quibble over wording? Or would you just want that person to be punished? Yea. I thought so.

When I lived in Georgia, my insurance company, in their infinite wisdom, decided they were more capable of making decisions about my sex life than I was. As a result, the birth control pills I had been on for four years (to treat severe menstrual cramps, not actually to prevent pregnancy since I was notoriously chaste at the time), became unavailable to me. If I wanted them, I had to go to Planned Parenthood to get them. Which begs the question - aren't birth control pills cheaper, and don't they require fewer taxpayer dollars, than the CHILDREN who would need support from the government if women can't get birth control? I realize I'm not addressing the moral argument here. And that's because I believe birth control is responsible, not sinful.

The reason I've found myself straying from the Democratic party of late is that I don't think government is responsible for everything. As much as I hate to agree with Sarah Palin, I don't think it's any of Michelle Obama's business whether I breastfeed my baby or not (I will, because I want to, but it's still none of anyone else's business). But by the same token, my reproductive health is also none of your business. Taking federal funding away from Planned Parenthood because abortion offends you is ignorant and short-sighted. There are plenty of organizations out there that get federal funding, and PP is one that actually saves this country money in the long run.

Eat, Pray, Love

People had really strong reactions to this book when it was all the rage a couple of years ago. People I know either loved it - a lot - or dismissed it as navel-gazing drivel. I can appreciate both points of view. Some of it is rather self-involved and self-indulgent. But I was among the people who really appreciated it. For two reasons. 1) My brother went through a similarly interminable divorce in New York, so that part was excruciatingly relatable, and 2) I could relate to Liz Gilbert's sense of being in something she didn't want. NOT my marriage, to be clear.

What I didn't want to be in was my so-called career. I'm smart. Always have been. It's kind of been one of my things. As such, everyone in my life had expectations of me. Among those, of course, was career success. And I had that expectation of myself, too. And then, after having some really terrible experiences in my work life, and after experiencing the magic that is my son, I realized...I didn't want to be there anymore. There being my entire professional life.

So, rather than setting off on a round the world journey of self discovery, I started my own search. I started this blog. I started thinking about ways I could leave my career. I started contemplating being a stay at home mother for a while. And so many people in my life thought I was completely nuts. But when it came down to it, only three opinions mattered - mine, my husband's, my son's. And we all came into agreement. So, I left my career.

It's been around nine months now. And it's not a piece of cake, by any stretch. My son sometimes drives me up a wall, especially during this interminable winter, when we are largely cooped up. I feel like a lazy, underachieving piece of crap sometimes. I miss having my own steady paycheck. I miss cocktails with colleagues. But in my heart of hearts, I know I made the right choice, and I can't imagine having made a different one.

It's not the choice for everyone. It's a very personal, very individual choice. And for me, it won't be forever. But for me, it was the right thing. I hope it was the right thing for my son, too, and I think it was.

January 28, 1986

I drafted this post yesterday but forgot to hit "post". Oops. Anyway...better late than never?

January 28, 1986 was a defining day in my childhood. I remember what I was wearing. It was exactly a week after my 10th birthday, and I was wearing the outfit my mom had gotten me for my birthday - those flowered jeans that were ALL the rage among fourth graders in 1986, along with a yellow shirt and irish cardigan...and of course my LA Gear hightops (a gift from my grandmother for Christmas that year). I don't know exactly why my outfit is so clear in my memory...although I remember precisely what I was wearing on 9/11 too, so maybe it's just a "thing" with me?

Anyway, I remember being really fascinated in the lead up to the "Teacher in Space" - first, because the teacher selected was from nearby (she grew up 10 minutes from my hometown and taught about an hour away), and second because the thought of going into space was, to me, terrifying, even then.

I remember coming back from lunch, and some kids talking in the hall about the shuttle blowing up. I said, "Did they die?" And the boy with the locker across from mine, John said, "Would you die if you were in the space shuttle and it blew up?" "I guess, probably," I said. It just seemed so surreal to me that these astronauts, not to mention Christa McAuliffe, could be dead.

We went into our science teacher's classroom and turned on the TV. And what I remember, really, really vividly, was watching Christa McAuliffe's son keep turning back to look at the sky again and again with a bewildered look, as if he half expected his mom to reappear somehow. To this day, 25 years later, the memory of his face can bring me to tears. He was pretty close to our age then, as I recall, so at the time, I remember relating to him and being unable to imagine losing my mom in any way, let alone in such a surreal one. While watching. And now, as the mother of a little boy, it wrenches me all the more to think of the pain of a little boy losing his mom that way.

I also remember thinking, even at 10 years old, that the TV people should leave that kid alone. It was my first realization of how inappropriately invasive TV news could be. They couldn't even let a little boy have his moment of shock and grieving in peace, and it made me angry. It still does.

That was a really sad day. And for those in my age group, it was a loss of innocence. And we'll never forget that day.

Update

Well, I promised "more" yesterday, but long story short, it didn't happen. So, here we are TODAY, instead. Here's the scoop.

I'm pregnant again, which I'm guessing most people reading this already know, but there it is. And I am (and we are) so very, very, overjoyed and excited. Truly.

But (and you knew there was a but), I'm having an extraordinarily difficult time getting past the miscarriage-induced anxiety. I really thought once I got past the point when I lost the last pregnancy, I would relax. But that didn't really happen. So, then I thought once I got past the 12 week mark, I would relax. And I guess I did, a little, but...not entirely.

Monday morning, I got myself so worked up into a panic attack that I had to call my mom, who of course came up immediately with my sister (and nieces) in tow. She talked me down from the ledge and then they took all the kids (B included) out for errands and lunch so I could just rest, since I've had brutal, chronic insomnia pretty much this entire pregnancy thus far.

Yesterday, we had our first trimester screening. So, we got to see on the ultra-sound that everything is a-ok in there. Sequel, as we've taken to calling him/her, is growing great (in fact, a couple days ahead right now) and the heart is beating well and everything looks peachy. After the ultra-sound, I had my check up, and the nurse midwife was wonderful, and sat with me and talked over what I was going through. She reminded me that, statistically, if a pregnancy's going to end, it's exponentially more likely to do so before that 12 week mark, which is precisely WHY they wait until then to do the screenings, etc.

And the thing is, logically, I KNOW all that. I KNOW this baby is fine. I KNOW this pregnancy is going to be fine. I feel it in the same way I felt the last one was off. After the miscarriage, I wrote about feeling B from the beginning as a tenacious little presence. And I feel that again with this one. It's as if there's a little voice inside me saying, "I'm NOT going anywhere!" But that's the thing about trauma of any kind, isn't it? You get gun shy. You bring that trauma along with you, and you have flashbacks and you get terrified of it repeating itself. In fact, I think the main contributing factor to my panic attack on Monday was anxiety over the ultra-sound yesterday. Even KNOWING it was going to be fine, I kept remembering the ultra-sound during which the poor (and wonderfully kind) tech had to tell me there was no heartbeat.

It's not that I'm entirely without reason for my nerves. I've had a couple of issues with this pregnancy that, while entirely different than last time, at least REMIND me of last time. And it's been scary.

So, it's an ongoing process, I guess.

Today

Today was a roller coaster of a day. More on that tomorrow.

But most importantly, my best friend had a son today. And that trumps whatever silly neuroses are going on with me, by A LOT. I'm so filled with joy and pride on her behalf. I have another newphew(ish type person)! Woohoo! Welcome to the world, Tiny S! And congrats to Roasted Beat and S!

Sigh...

You know what's got my goat this morning? (Oh hi, by the way. I know I've been MIA through the holidays. Hope yours were great. Ours were chaotic and fraught with Internet issues, which is why I haven't been around.) Anyway...what's got my goat is the fact that the majority of people on Facebook who feel compelled to launch into angry political rants in their status updates are a) misinformed and b) possessed of exceptionally weak grammar skills. Ever notice that? I'm sure you have. But if you haven't, I apologize in advance, because now it's going to drive you up a wall.

Look, we all have political ideologies that we (for the most part) feel strongly about. Inevitably, some of these ideologies are conflicting. Even within the same FB friend circle, you're going to get wildly varying beliefs. And we all have a right to them, and a right to express them. I have no issue with that, even though sometimes, the things people say regarding those beliefs can annoy me, offend me and even make me question whether that person is someone I even want on my friend list. I have yet to un-friend anyone for expressing an opinion (although I have BEEN unfriended for voicing my opinion on gay marriage. Which is that I think it should be legal. So. Yea.)

I thought about giving some examples of this here, and had even drafted a version of the post wherein I did so. But the thing is, my goal in this post is not to call out any individual or to embarrass anyone. It's to, maybe, hopefully, call your attention to your reactionary ranting and the fact that, in the face of your emotion, you're...missing the point entirely, a lot of the time.

But it does annoy the crap out of me when people take a political stance in a very public forum and are...misinformed and in some cases, downright INCORRECT. Might I suggest that if you're going to get your panties in such a wad that you simply MUST voice your disapproval publicly, that you at least make sure you have your facts straight? Pretty please? And I'm not just talking to the folks I disagree with (who do tend to be the most egregious offenders here, recently). Even if I agree with you, I don't want you putting inaccurate stuff up, since that makes people with my political leanings seem ignorant and uninformed. See?

And finally, regardless of what you're posting about, can we all please agree that grammar on FB is appalling and frankly frightening to someone who used to teach it? I KNOW you all had English teachers who taught you the differences between contractions and possessive pronouns. If you can't remember that lesson, LOOK IT UP AND APPLY IT. You look like an idiot when you disregard rules you learned in elementary school and so help me, if you learned grammar from me and abuse it on FB, you will be corrected. There, I said it.