I guess I disappeared there. Again. Suffice to say that post a couple down about rounding the corner was premature at best.
The anxiety came roaring back into my life and has just flat out refused to vacate. Oddly enough, it hasn't been all that fun. Go figure.
Any of you who were reading this blog last winter may remember that I was dealing with anxiety over my pregnancy (which I think I did not address until January or so, but which was definitely present during the holidays). I am learning that I tend to be more susceptible to anxiety at this time of year.
I'm also learning that there is, in addition to the post-partum element, a part of this anxiety that is sort of...self-centered/egotistical...? Like, I take things SO personally and create anxiety around things that really have nothing to do with me. And I have to remind myself that sometimes, it really doesn't have anything to do with me. It's a learning process, but I think I'm making some progress.
I talked with my doctor about going back on some form of medication, but pretty much the only thing available to me (because of the nursing) is the Zoloft, and as we already know, I did not enjoy the Zoloft. So for now, I'm going at this sans meds. If it becomes too unbearable, I guess I could give the Z another shot, or I could stop nursing and try an anti-anxiety med, but neither of those (particularly not the latter) is an option I'm really entertaining at present.
I think this is among my big lessons in life - figuring out how to manage this anxiety and live a life that is not ruled by it. ("No shit, MW." - everyone who has ever read this blog).
Anyway, in the meantime, I'm raising my four year old and my five month old. The four year old is...being a four year old the week before Christmas. Anyone who's ever had one knows what that means (read: AIYEEEEEE). The five month old continues to be a delight, notwithstanding teething misery. It does help me to remind myself of the insane blessings that have been bestowed upon me, especially in the form of my husband and babies (of course, I have to have a mantra of, "I deserve these blessings," because I'm a fun, neurotic type).
That's what's up with me. I am a BARREL OF LAUGHS, y'all. (At least I've still got my sense of humor, right?)
