What?!

Where the heck did the rest of November go?!

Singing Along

It's probably pretty clear from previous posts that music plays a pretty big part in my life. My grandfather is the proverbial leader of the band, so I think it's in my blood. I need near constant music, and if I'm not actually listening to any, chances are I've got a song stuck in my head to keep myself entertained.

There are so many bands I love and have loved, I can't even really count them. Probably, the mainstay bands I've loved most of my life are U2 and R.E.M. I barely remember a time I didn't love those bands, and I particularly remember falling in love with U2 when I was eight.

For the past few years, my favorite band has been Dashboard Confessional. I kind of stumbled onto them in 2002, when a friend of mine made me a birthday mix CD and put 'The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most' on it, and then around the same time, my gym kept playing the 'Screaming Infidelities' video. The next summer, I listened to 99X in Atlanta on line at work, and they would play 'Hands Down' in pretty heavy rotation. I went out and bought A Mark, A Mission, A Brand, A Scar and their unplugged CD...and my love affair with their music was officially on.

If you aren't already aware, this week they released their new album, Alter the Ending. It's as close to a perfect album as I've come across recently. Every song on it is a home run; heartbreaking and gorgeous. I literally cannot get enough of it. And the band has been on TV quite a bit, promoting the album. Generally, they've been playing the first single, 'Belle of the Boulevard' which is just a fantastic song.

I realize that as posts go, this one's not all that interesting, but trust me when I tell you...if you're looking for an album to get hooked on, this one's a good bet.

HA!

Well, that previous post was a day early, I'd say. This morning, B had to go in for another abdominal ultra-sound because his spleen is still slightly larger than it should be. He had an ultra-sound last spring and they determined the enlargement was likely due to a viral infection. But when he went for his 2 year appointment last week, the doctor noticed it was still large. So, the ultra-sound this morning. To say that B was unpleased with people yanking up his shirt and poking and prodding at his belly would be an enormous understatement. He was screaming and thrashing the entire time he was on the table, which is not really his usual demeanor. He cannot abide being restrained and isn't all that crazy about people touching his belly without his say so, and the combination of those, on top of being surrounded by strangers, was way too much for him. It was totally excruciating to have him so upset and be unable to calm him or comfort him in any meaningful way.

Meanwhile, the radiologist was not exactly a source of great comfort, telling me that the fact that he wasn't holding still was causing the pictures to come out blurry and making it look like his kidneys were too small too, and how they needed to get pictures of his lymph nodes to definitively rule out Leukemia/Lymphoma. I feel very strongly that words like these should not even enter the conversation unless or until absolutely necessary. Long story short, his kidneys are fine and his lymph nodes are too, and since his blood work has been normal, they've ruled out any of the really scary stuff. But in addition to relief, I'm feeling utter emotional exhaustion.

Raw Nerves

Once you become a Mom, you get put on everyone's distribution lists for all those "Mom" emails. You know the ones. They talk about the unfathomable beauty of motherhood and they describe, sometimes in detail you don't really need, the ways motherhood impacts every last aspect of your life. And it's not that they're not accurate. They usually are. But on the whole, I find them to be not all that well written and I find they kind of try too hard at eloquence. Not that I am like a bastion of writing excellence, but I'm entitled to my opinion.

But there is one I've gotten a few times that always kind of strikes a chord. It talks about how motherhood is like having a heart on the outside, or a permanently exposed nerve. That shit? Is true. That's precisely how it feels. No longer can I see any sort of movie, TV show, news story, etc, etc, about a mother losing her child or a child losing his mother without breaking down in tears. It's immediate and powerful.

This morning, B had to get an H1N1 shot. I've been terrified that he wouldn't be able to get one, and with his history of asthma, that could be a bad thing. But then, when it was time to get it, I was scared to death. I know the risk of not getting one is much greater than the risk of getting one. I know all the facts and did the research. But immunizations are still nerve wracking to me; this one in particular, since it's still pretty new. And of course, getting shots in general stinks because any time I have to be complicit in causing my child pain is a time I do not enjoy in the least. But it all went fine, of course, and my little toughie was barely phased, especially since he got a lollipop after the shot. The nurse said he was her best patient all morning!

Anyway, that raw nerve sometimes bleeds into other areas of my life, and so I apologize if you're one of the unlucky ones who's taken the brunt, on occasion.