I turned forty on Thursday. I'm really excited for this new decade. I was pretty over my thirties, if I'm being honest. I mean, obviously, so many amazing, magical things happened in my thirties. That's a given. But I also spent a lot of time kind of struggling with finding my new identity, as a wife and Mom. After spending most of my twenties getting really comfortable with myself, my sense of self completely changed in my thirties, and while a lot of it was good, it was also hard and often kind of painful.
So many people have told me since Thursday that the forties are a great, fun decade, and I'm ready for it.
But in order to have a great, fun decade, there are some old habits I really need to let go of.
I've made a lot of progress in my self talk, but I still have a long way to go. I'm my own worst critic, hands down. I can sometimes be kind of awkward, probably due to my social anxiety/shyness, and as a result, I can really mentally berate myself. It's so counter-productive and needs to stay in my past.
I constantly convince myself that people are mad at me. Like, CONSTANTLY. Or, even that people don't like me. There are examples of it that are patently ABSURD. And I really need to knock it off. I'm a kind, caring person and a good friend and family member. If I'm not DOING anything to make anyone angry, then I need to quit torturing myself.
I need to believe in myself more. I have this longstanding feeling of inferiority. Sometimes, it'll even rear its ugly head within my own family. I'm not as good an athlete. I'm not in as good of shape. Whatever it is. I can convince myself that I have less to offer. And I can sometimes think that other people see me through MY eyes, not their own. It's a totally gross, mean (to me) habit, and I need to get rid of it. And it comes into play professionally, too. I need to have more professional confidence. Yes, I had some bad experiences, but they were a long time ago now, and when people tell me I'm good at my job, I need to believe them.
Now that my kids are 8 and 4, and are beginning to get more self sufficient, I need to get back into a better self care habit. I think it's fairly standard when your kids are tiny to kind of neglect yourself. But really, it's not as helpful as it seems, and that one needs to get gone, too.
I'm just ready for some fun. Some enjoyment. Not that I didn't have fun in my thirties, but I think I spent so much of that decade "getting settled" into various things, and now that I am a bit more settled, I feel ready to reap some of the good stuff I sowed.
