Moving On

Our condo is finally officially on the market. It took a long time, and a lot of hard work, but it's listed. I feel really optimistic that it will sell quickly and for a pretty good price (all things considered). I think the condo has become, to us, symbolic of something holding us back from the life we want...since the life we want is here in MA and the condo is in NH. So, just having it on the market is a big symbolic step, in addition to being a big literal step. At the very least, it'll be a huge relief not to have to go up there every weekend to work on it. Our part is done. It's staged and vacated - now, the realtor can show the heck out of it until it sells. Yippee!

Introspection

I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I've been thinking a lot about the important things in life and how to live it in a satisfying and meaningful way. I've been thinking about "living your bliss" as it were. So, what's my bliss?

As I said in my last post, a huge part of my bliss is B. When I think of him smiling or giggling, or snuggling up to me and playing with my hair, or talking, or walking, or a million other little things he does, the feeling that comes over me is a truly pure joy. When he's sitting on my lap, enjoying his before bed bottle, sometimes he'll reach his little hand up to touch the hair on the back of my head. He'll stroke it very gently (which is big - "gentle" is not the word I would generally use to describe B's approach to...anything), and look up at me contentedly. In those moments, life is as good as it gets.

As I've said many other times, a big part of my bliss is writing. I genuinely enjoy the process of choosing words and turns of phrase, of creating characters and writing dialogue for them. I know I've created a good character when that character sticks with me beyond the writing process. If I find myself spacing out in the middle of a work day, imagining what might happen next to a character, I know I'm onto something. And the same goes for enjoying other people's writing. When I find a book or an author I enjoy, there is such joy in that, it can permeate my entire life.

Another part of my bliss is talking to my friends and family, giving advice where I can, getting it where I can. I'm a social creature. That might sound odd, because I'm kind of shy, but it's true. I crave social interaction. Whether it's with family or friends, there is little in life I enjoy more than a good conversation. It can be about any topic - relationships, politics, whatever. And on the occasions that I find some nugget of...usefulness...to pass along, I feel like I'm contributing to the world in my small way.

Yet another part of my bliss is simple times in the sunshine with my boys. The simple act of taking a walk with them, or going to a playground, or just sitting in the back yard - any of these things - offers me more enjoyment than I could have imagined not so long ago. Watching B explore the outdoors with his dad following behind him, puts an immediate and lasting smile on my face.

So, the one area of my life that isn't really included in this list is my profession. I mean, obviously writing is the profession I seek in the long term, but right now, I'm not yet making a living at it. So, I want to at least find a profession that offers me, if not actual joy, at least some sort of satisfaction. I want to finish a work day and feel good about what I've done that day. It's been a really long time since I've felt that, and I really want to find my way back to it.

Happiness Is a Blonde Toddler

It's kind of tricky when you decide to undertake an overhaul of your entire way of thinking to make it more positive, and just days in, someone you care about passes away too soon. But I'm trying to keep on the positive train, largely because I feel like it's about all I can do that might be in some way helpful, you know?


So, at the risk of sounding like one of those flakes on a TV show, spouting off about The Secret, I'm going to...spout off about The Secret. Here's the thing. Living your life from a positive place does, in fact, feel better. And at least I can send positive thoughts to a family in pain and hope it offers some measure of comfort.


One tenet of The Secret's positive thought is visualizing happy images to make yourself feel more positive. My happy image is, of course, B. I visualize the way he looks when he sleeps, or when he giggles, or when he's snoozing on my shoulder - his blonde curls, his smile, his big, grey eyes. And it really is amazing how quickly thinking of him can improve my mood. I have a picture as my desktop background that can turn my mood around in a heartbeat. I'll show you:




Admit it. You feel slightly happier now, don't you?

Remembering

My sister in law to be and her family are spending today making funeral arrangements for their father. How unfair. Fifty three is too young to die. Luckily, having him as a dad at all was such a blessing that I have the utmost faith they'll be just fine.

He was a force of nature - the kind of person who owned a room the moment he entered it. This, combined with his supreme friendliness and generosity are among the qualities that made him hugely successful in his business, as well as very, very popular in his personal life. The family home was always full of people, even while he was ill.

Such an enormous number of people will miss him, and will cherish their memories of him. I count myself as genuinely lucky to have known him. He is someone who taught me a lot about life and how to live it in the few years I knew him.

A story, in parting, to sum up the kind of guy he was. A couple of weeks ago, while he was gravely ill and at MGH, my sister and I went over to visit and to take the girls out to lunch. On my way there, I stopped and picked up a little stuffed puppy for him, because I knew he had a soft spot for puppies. When I got to his room with the gift bag in my hand, I asked him how he was doing that day. He eyed the bag in my hands and said, "I'm a puppy away from being happy." I said, "Will a stuffed puppy do?" He thought it would do just fine, and said to his wife, "I told you I was getting a puppy," smirking away. No matter how ill he was, no matter how grave the prognosis, he could always find something to smirk about - some way to have some impish fun. I admired that quality from the first, and it'll be among the things I'll remember.

Tired

I'm tired of writing posts like these. Yet another family I love is suffering through the turmoil of losing someone to cancer. You've probably picked that up from my last few posts. My brother's fiance's father has fought a very tough seven month battle against colon cancer, and it looks like the cancer is winning. His once bullish doctors have prepared the family for the end. And it's just so unfair and brutal and miserable. I want never to write a post like this again. I want no one I know ever to be touched by this insidious and evil disease ever again.

In the meantime, please pray for this family, and for this man, who has been an absolute beacon of positivity even as his body has not responded in the ways he's wished.
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Update: Literally minutes after I originally posted this, my brother called to say his father in law to be had passed away. I'll write a more complete post later.

Attitude Is Everything

I had a kind of stressy day at work. Nothing I can't handle, and it's all under control now, but stressy days are...you know, stressy. But about halfway through the day, I kind of went, "Wait a minute. I'm not helping myself by stressing and obsessing." So, I relaxed, I breathed, I brainstormed. And by the end of the day, things had improved by a lot. And I had an ally. Which always helps, am I right? I'm really learning how much a positive attitude and positive thinking really can turn your day (or whatever span of time you're dealing with) around. It's truly and amazingly transformative.

But, still. Eff cancer. I don't have anything positive to say about cancer today. Or ever.

Fighting It

On Friday, the guy who sat diagonally behind me got laid off. He was a guy who drove me up the wall. In fact, so afraid was I that my old position was going to start reporting to him (which it did), that I changed jobs, taking my current position. But once I no longer had to work with him quite so directly, he kind of started to grow on me, and so I was bummed for him on Friday. I don't know exactly why, but somehow in my head, it became a "him or me" thing, in terms of who would get cut. I just had a feeling one or the other of us would - I guess because, of my boss' direct reports, we seemed the two most likely to be on the chopping block, based on our job functions. I had kind of come to a place of peace with being laid off by the end of last week, so of course, I didn't get laid off. That Murphy is a trickster, indeed.

This weekend, we were up in Nashua with my in-laws, working on the condo. And it's so funny - that place has such a weird effect on my psyche. I felt SO positive about life in general last week, and then I got up there on Friday and my positivity took a nose dive almost immediately. I had to fight tooth and nail all weekend not to succumb to the darkness that so often swallows me up in that house. It's just the strangest thing, because as any of you who've been there know, it's a perfectly pleasant place. So, I think whatever my issue is with it, it's just some kind of internal/psychological thing. But I am really looking forward to our finding a home that the three of us can all feel happy about, together - that we can make our own together. Not that we didn't do that with the condo, but I don't think I ever allowed myself to feel real affection for it, for whatever reason. Totally unfair of me, admittedly, but it is what it is, and I'm looking forward to finding our family home.