Baby Love

I mean, it's pretty obvious to state explicitly that I love babies, right? But there are so many little things about having one in the house that I so adore, that I'd kind of forgotten about, and am remembering happily now that we have one again.

I love the feel of a sleeping baby in my arms. She's warm and soft and smells delicious. She breathes and coos quietly in her sleep. She smiles in her sleep if I touch her cheek. She nuzzles my shoulder and neck.

I love her purely joyful smile. This girl is kind of exceptionally smiley and I cannot get enough of her smile. When I walk into a room and she catches sight of me and breaks out in an enormous grin, it makes everything seem worthwhile.

I love the sound of her laugh. One of her favorite people to laugh with/at is her big brother, and it might be my favorite thing EVER to watch him perform for her and listen to her belly laughs at whatever goofiness he comes up with.

I love her personality. This child is a tiny force of nature - has been since birth. I am fascinated by her incredible independence and self assurance. I hope these qualities stay with her as she grows.

Hibernation

It's sunny and kind of warm today (especially considering it's January in NH), which always gives me the feeling of coming out of hibernation. During the frigid (and usually snowy) winter months, we kind of tend to hunker down and not do as much. This becomes particularly true when we have babies, or at least it does for me.

But I was realizing today that I've isolated myself more this time around than I did last time, even though this baby is older this winter than B was during his first winter. I think it probably has more to do with my emotional state than anything else. It hasn't been a conscious thing, but I think I haven't been as focused on my social life as I would normally be.

In most of my friendships, I tend to be the one who keeps contact. That's not a passive aggressive slap to any friends of mine who are reading this. Far from it. It just is what it is. I tend to be the needy one, for one thing, and therefore, I'm generally the one who makes sure contact is kept up and that plans are made occasionally, etc.

Thus, I realized today how many of my friends I haven't seen in ages. How many of them, even, haven't met E. I kinda miss my homies. I hope spring time and my improved mental state rectify this situation.

Sunshine

It occurred to me recently that, when B was a baby, the vast majority of my posts were about him and motherhood. Now, with E, I haven't posted as much period - probably largely due to being, you know, crazy busy. But even when I have posted, most of the writing hasn't been about her. Which is odd, since I haven't been any less engaged this time around, certainly. Suffice to say that my baby girl has been an absolute pleasure to get to know. She has a true sweetness about her, and she is generally a pretty happy girl. Despite my ongoing anxiety issues, she continues to be a source of joy and peace, and I'm really, really grateful for her.

He's a P.I.T.A., but he's OUR P.I.T.A.

I was just reading on People.com that Sarah Burke, the freestyle skier who crashed last weekend, passed away. That made me feel really sad. But oddly, it also brought a new sense of gratitude, since 10 years ago today, my younger brother was in a skiing accident. He suffered a severe concussion, but he's fine now. Reading that article today, of all days, reminded me what a terrifying couple of days we had, and how grateful I am that one of the biggest pains in the ass I've ever known has continued to BE a pain in my ass for the past decade.

In fact, one of my vivid memories from the morning after the accident was telling him, in his near delirious state, that he'd ruined my birthday, in an attempt to get a laugh. He said, "When's your birthday?" And I told him it was the next day. To which he responded, "Well, then I didn't ruin it. YET." The neuro doc said it was the best sign they'd had that he was going to be okay.

Anyway, yea, I'm glad he's still around. Wear your helmets, y'all.

2012 Will Rock

So help me God, it will.

I'm tired of being this depressed, depressing person. I'm getting my mojo back. By hook or by crook, these things will happen. I'm focusing on getting back to my positive self. In seeing the magic in the world and believing that I deserve my blessings.

That's all I got for tonight.