Change Is Scary...

I've been trying for days to write this post. But it's like I have so many thoughts that I can't get them in order to write anything coherent. So...I quit my job. I gave my notice last Monday and my last day is next Monday, April 5th. And then I'll be a stay at home Mom....at least mostly.

I started at my company over nine years ago. I never meant to stay there for nine years. I thought I'd work there for a bit, gain some experience, move on. But life's a funny thing, isn't it? We just can't quite predict the roads we'll go down. And so, instead of moving on outside the company, I moved on within it. I had several positions, several managers; some were good, some not so good. I had friends. Lots of them.

In the end, though, it wasn't the place I felt at home. The best way I can think to describe it is that I feel like I spent all those years trying to make my brain work in a different way than it naturally does. Trying to make it fit. But more than that, my place is with my son. And that drove the decision more than anything else.

I'm terrified by this huge change. I've worked since I was a teenager. I've made my own money. And although I'll continue to work part time, it won't be quite the same. But I know it will be worth the trade offs. I will get to do the thing that makes me feel fulfilled.

This really isn't my most articulate post, but that's the scoop. More to come when I feel a little less muddled.

Human

I'm imperfect. Breaking news. I'm fallible. I make mistakes and try to learn from them.

One of my strong points, one of the things I'm known for, is that I have a lot of patience. Not in terms of waiting for things, but in terms of people - I can be very patient with difficult people or people who are in difficult moods. It's what made me (I hope) a good teacher, and it's what makes me a good mother...most of the time.

But I still have days when I'm just overtired and overstressed and overwhelmed, and it's like B senses that innately and wakes up SUPER early those days and then is a grumpy, whiny bear all morning. And that's the kind of morning we had this morning.

It's so hard to be patient when your reserves are empty. It's so hard to be the unflappable Mommy you want to be. And so, if you're me, you end up being more snappish than you'd normally be (which of course exacerbates the whining etc) and you end up just rushing for the finish line of dropping the child at daycare so you can get some work done. And then you sit there, staring at your computer screen, hating yourself for not being a better mother and a better person. You obsess over that sad little face and think you're just a wretched human being for not being more nurturing when your toddler is overtired himself. You completely block out the wonderful half hour you spent cuddling and singing with him when he was smiling and giggling.

And on those days, all you can hope is that he'll take a great nap at daycare and come home ready to give you another shot. Which he will, because he isn't nearly as affected by your mutual grumpiness as you are. And thank God for that.