Should I Even Bother?

This is how I feel about writing when I read Khaled Hosseini's work. I mean....DAMN. DAMN, DAMN, DAMN. There is a guy who can write. His books are so emotionally powerful that they make me feel like I need therapy to get over them. Granted, he's starting with an extremely raw emotional palate, but his ability to tell the story in a way that draws you in, makes you truly care about the characters - that's what really gets me. Reading his work churns my stomach, yet I cannot put the books down. Panic attacks can't stop me. Tears on the T can't stop me. I've always enjoyed books that eff me up a little, and these puppies are just the ticket.

Okay, listen.

There are a vast number of reasons I wish the WGA strike would be resolved. There are so many people out of work due to this strike and it's terrible. But I also have a selfish reason. I am back at work now and I'm exhausted at the end of the day. TV is a comforting presence to me. I LIKE coming home to watch my TV. I LIKE having TV to watch while I'm feeding my son at night. I LIKE having new shows to look forward to that actually required someone to WRITE them. I mean, I also understand that the people who edit reality shows work hard. That's a whole other can of worms actually - a lot of those folks get zero benefits, which is why those shows are so cheap, and that's not right either. But I digress. I was so excited at the beginning of hte fall season. There were so many great shows starting! Yet here we are on a Monday in January, and I'm watching re-runs of old Friends episodes. Hurry up and settle, studios and networks!

Sunday Scaries

I've always had Sunday scaries, as long as I can remember. It's really kind of a ridiculous thing, when you think about it. I mean, most weeks are about the same when you're in school or working. So, why do so many of us get Sunday scaries? I mean, when I break it down, what am I "scared" about? I know what's in store for me and it's nothing to be nervous about. It's just work. Sure, next week I'll be nervous about my son's first day in daycare, which is next Monday. But tonight? Tomorrow, my son will be home with his daddy, and I'll be at work. Nothing really to be all that nervous about. Benj and Daddy will have a great time, and I'll have a perfectly fine day at work. And yet? Sunday scaries. I've gotten them most every Sunday night since I was around eight years old. So weird, when you think about it.

Post Script

Happy 3 month birthday, Benjamin!!!

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

It's funny how quickly the entire focus of your life can change. It seems like not so very long ago that I was agonizing over whether or not some guy would call me, what I would wear out to some bar, when I would get that next promotion. Although I'd still like a promotion, those things have faded from view in favor of worrying about my son's cough, praying for my husband's new job, looking for a house for the three of us to share. A year ago, I didn't even know about my son. He wasn't even growing inside me yet. Now, he is one of the two most important people in my life. There are parts of that previous life I miss - the ease of it, mainly. My life was so easy for a while there. I lived a 10 minute walk from work and only had myself to worry about. But although my life is more complicated now, it's also better, in my opinion. It's more fulfilling. It's got higher highs, and that's worth the lows.

Work

Today was my first day back at work from materntiy leave. It was fairly miserable. I absolutely hated leaving my son, even though he was just at my sister's, because daycare doesn't start for him until February 1st. I missed him terribly, as corny as that sounds. To top it off, my building's nursing room has an elaborate sign up system of which I was not aware until today (why would I have been?), so I went from 6 a.m. until almost 3 p.m. without being able to pump. It was kind of a rough start, but it made me realize how lucky I am to have two work from home days. Still though, I just didn't appreciate how gut wrenching this was going to be. I may need to get published just so I don't need to have an office job!

12 weeks

Well, tomorrow my son will be 12 weeks old. I can't believe how fast it's gone by. That also means I go back to work on Tuesday. There are parts of this that are appealing. It'll be nice to see my friends and to have time among adults. But overall, I'm just dreading it. I'm so sad to leave him, although we spent a few hours at his daycare today, and that did make me feel more comfortable. I've really come to enjoy my time with him so much, even though I had to adjust to not getting anything done during the day! But I keep reminding myself that it'll be good for him to be socialized, and it'll be an easier transition now, when he's still young enough not to care so much. I know he'll be fine...I just might be a mess!

Positive

I'm trying to be a more positive person. I'm working at it, trying to think more positively, keeping my negative thoughts and anxiety at bay. It's difficult, because I am naturally a worrier, and because there are so many precious things in my life now. But that is exactly why I'm trying to be more positive. I want to be able to enjoy my life, rather than spending it fearing bad things, fearing loss. That's a waste of life. So, I'm baby stepping toward positivity. I'm shutting down negative thoughts where I can, and focusing on the positive things in my life - the things I'm so grateful for. I know it's making a difference, although I've yet to perfect it - not by a long shot. I still have horrible anxiety dreams and I still have occasional moments of panic. But I guess we're all works in progress in our own ways, right? So, I'm going to keep working on it.

Snowdays with Water & Batteries, Wheeee!

We're expecting a big snow storm starting tonight. On our way home tonight, my husband said, "Maybe we'd better stop for water and batteries." It made me remember a friend I had a long time ago who, when you liked someone a lot, would say, "Like, water & batteries?" When I asked him what it meant, he said, "Like, if you had a weekend with him, all you'd need would be water and batteries." That expression always stayed with me because it cracked me up...that image of hunkering down with the object of your affection as if it were some kind of disaster scenario. But I guess it's also sort of accurate - when you really want to be with someone, I think you can be content just with that person and minimal supplies. I know I'm pretty psyched to be snowed in with the family. But only because we have plenty of water and batteries on hand.

Happy [almost] Birthday to Me...

I made a lot of mistakes to get to this point in my life. I broke hearts. I had my heart broken. I drank too much; I smoked too many cigarettes. I went too far, too fast with guys I didn't know well enough; I hid the real me from people I could've and should've trusted. I spent money I didn't have and saved money I should've enjoyed. I didn't advocate enough for myself in my career at times and at others, I bit off more than I could chew. I obsessed over my weight to such a degree that I couldn't like myself at times, and I allowed myself to be too sedentary at others. I forgot to pick up prescriptions...

So, how is it that when I look back at the first 31 years of my life, I don't have regrets? I think it must be that those mistakes were such an important part of what got me to this place. I look at my son and my husband and I realize that if I hadn't made those mistakes, I might not be here with them.

So, here it is.

So, I used to write a great deal. I always imagined I'd be long published by 31, but here I am at 31, and I'm not yet published. A year and a half or so ago, I set up a blog on my myspace page to get back to writing. I've posted to it occasionally, and it's helped me get back in touch with my writing, but I don't actually dig the format that much. So, I figured I'd start an actual blog and see if it gets me writing. We'll see how it goes!