Desperate Love

I recently finished reading Shelter Me by Juliette Fay. MAN, what a heartbreaking, beautiful, enthralling story that was. I emphasize the heartbreaking; I recommend the read, but go in knowing it's gut-wrenching in spots...which isn't much of a surprise if you read the premise blurb on the back.

One thing I particularly related to is that the main character, when faced with one of the most crushing experiences life has to offer (the loss of a spouse - again, not a spoiler - it's the book's premise), reacts with rage. She is pissed, and she's not afraid to let those around her know it. And I have a sneaking suspicion that in her shoes, I would probably mirror her biting sarcasm. Hope to God we never find out, because the people in her life are way, way more patient with it than those in mine would ever be.

Anyway, there is one line in particular that really stuck with me. "A parent's love is the most desperate thing there is." That line....it's just so true. That is precisely the way I feel. I love B desperately. I worry for him and hope for him and crave his love in return in a much more urgent and needy way than I ever did with another adult. It's kind of hard to explain, but that line captures it as well as anything I've seen.

Thoughts...

I remember so well how, when I was single and hadn't yet met E, I was so utterly fascinated by people in relationships. I just never really got how they worked. I never was much of a long-term relationship girl before E, so I remember being genuinely fascinated with how relationships worked. I would watch people and just wonder what it was like to know how that whole process worked. I would watch couples interact and wonder, "Will that ever be me?" And, deep down, I knew E was out there. I could feel him out there, waiting for me, just like I was waiting for him. But there was another part of me that doubted. There was the part of me who wondered how, when I truly didn't understand that relationship "thing" how I could ever be part of one.

I've noticed recently that I do the same thing with people who are in careers about which they truly feel passionate. I drink them up the way I used to drink up romance. I am so fascinated by how they got to that place. How did they KNOW? And of course, "Will that ever be me?" Will I ever find that thing that fills me with passion? I think I will. I'm a fairly passionate person, so I do think there's something out there that will excite me and fulfill me professionally the way my relationship with E and my motherhood of B do personally. I do. It's just hard to conceptualize right now. But if I learned anything from the development of my personal life, it was not to doubt that that magical thing will come together, if that makes sense.

Meanwhile, happy Valentine's Day, E!

Progress Report

I'm a more positive person than I was a year ago. Sure, I'm still neurotic as hell and I should probably be prescribed anti-anxiety meds, and I'm sure that seems counter to the idea of being a positive person, but it's true that I am. 2009 was a really difficult year. Not that I suffered any great personal tragedy - only vicarious ones, although too many of those, but it was one of those personal growth type years that are just kind of agonizing to get through. I learned an enormous amount about myself, including the fact that I did have reserves to get through another difficult year, even though I thought I'd burned through all my reserves in 2008. Things started to turn around late in 2009, though. E got that new job, my job turned a corner toward...less miserable, at any rate. What does all this portend for 2010? How could I possibly know that right now? What I do know is that E and I prayed and Secret-ed for a bunch of stuff over the course of 2009 and by the end of the year, a lot of it was coming to fruition. And that'll really restore a girl's faith.

All that said, I hardly think I'm complete. I'm certainly a work in progress. I still worry. I still walk around with a pit in my stomach like 85% of the time. I still get hurt feelings over things I shouldn't take personally, but do. I still feel resentful when I feel like I'm giving more than I'm getting. And all of these things mean that staying positive takes active effort on my part. And I still need to figure out precisely what it is that I want, in some areas of my life, because how can I hope for something if I'm not even sure what it is, am I right? Sigh. Life's the journey, right? Yea.

Sorry this post is a bit of a brain dump. I've got work to get started on and needed to clear the rubble, a bit.

Happy Groundhog Day. SPOILER ALERT: there are six more weeks of winter.