I'm pregnant again, which I'm guessing most people reading this already know, but there it is. And I am (and we are) so very, very, overjoyed and excited. Truly.
But (and you knew there was a but), I'm having an extraordinarily difficult time getting past the miscarriage-induced anxiety. I really thought once I got past the point when I lost the last pregnancy, I would relax. But that didn't really happen. So, then I thought once I got past the 12 week mark, I would relax. And I guess I did, a little, but...not entirely.
Monday morning, I got myself so worked up into a panic attack that I had to call my mom, who of course came up immediately with my sister (and nieces) in tow. She talked me down from the ledge and then they took all the kids (B included) out for errands and lunch so I could just rest, since I've had brutal, chronic insomnia pretty much this entire pregnancy thus far.
Yesterday, we had our first trimester screening. So, we got to see on the ultra-sound that everything is a-ok in there. Sequel, as we've taken to calling him/her, is growing great (in fact, a couple days ahead right now) and the heart is beating well and everything looks peachy. After the ultra-sound, I had my check up, and the nurse midwife was wonderful, and sat with me and talked over what I was going through. She reminded me that, statistically, if a pregnancy's going to end, it's exponentially more likely to do so before that 12 week mark, which is precisely WHY they wait until then to do the screenings, etc.
And the thing is, logically, I KNOW all that. I KNOW this baby is fine. I KNOW this pregnancy is going to be fine. I feel it in the same way I felt the last one was off. After the miscarriage, I wrote about feeling B from the beginning as a tenacious little presence. And I feel that again with this one. It's as if there's a little voice inside me saying, "I'm NOT going anywhere!" But that's the thing about trauma of any kind, isn't it? You get gun shy. You bring that trauma along with you, and you have flashbacks and you get terrified of it repeating itself. In fact, I think the main contributing factor to my panic attack on Monday was anxiety over the ultra-sound yesterday. Even KNOWING it was going to be fine, I kept remembering the ultra-sound during which the poor (and wonderfully kind) tech had to tell me there was no heartbeat.
It's not that I'm entirely without reason for my nerves. I've had a couple of issues with this pregnancy that, while entirely different than last time, at least REMIND me of last time. And it's been scary.
So, it's an ongoing process, I guess.
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