Ups and Downs

Well, as you've probably gathered by my decidedly sporadic presence lately, the ups and downs (emotional) continue. It's getting really frustrating, I have to say. I guess at least there ARE ups, right? But I mean, of course there are. How could there not be? I have a husband who is loving and smart and funny and brave (see 180X40 for evidence of this) and generally awesome. I have a son who, although he drives me bananas daily, is sensitive and smart and surprisingly athletic and really, really hilarious. I have a daughter who is a ray of sunshine, who makes me smile at just the thought of her, who is sweet and curious and very obviously brilliant. Oh, and did I mention beautiful? ;)

Yet, there remains a malaise that won't entirely quit. Late in the spring, I re-discovered running, and that has been tremendously helpful. However, I've currently got a strain in my right hip that precludes running (if I run on it, I get maybe 1/4 mile before it pops, at which point I can barely walk for a day and a half...so, no running for now).

Meanwhile, I think I'm at a bit of a crossroads, in terms of life and identity. I love being a mother. I love everything about it, even the things that drive me crazy. It's literally a dream come true. I love being a wife. I love having a partner in crime. And I especially love MY partner in crime. I love this family at the center of my universe so much that merely writing those words seems inadequate.

But I still feel a searching inside. I feel like there is still another calling I'm supposed to find. I feel like there is more to my identity about which I'm not yet sure. And that's kind of an angsty feeling. I feel a bit like I'm not complete in that way. Pair that with the damage my old gig did to my psyche and my confidence, and I'm on rather shaky ground.

But as you also know, I'm a pretty upbeat girl, and I do love to focus on the positive. So...I know the not so great stuff will get better. And the great stuff, I will be grateful for every day. Even the days when B makes me want to run for the hills. Which, if we're being honest (and why would we stop now?) is, like, EVERY day. God, I love that kid, you guys.