Resolute

I'm not that big on resolutions. I get their intent. The idea of a new year being a blank slate - the idea that you can start fresh, is appealing. But firstly, you can start fresh ANY day. And secondly, I think resolutions often set up a dynamic wherein you're kind of destined to fail. Not always, but often.

So, what I'm looking at, then, isn't so much a resolution as a project that I'm deciding to begin (again) for 2013. I want to accept and love myself more. I worked very hard on this same thing in my late teens and early twenties, and by my mid-twenties, I had it down pretty well. I liked who I was. I knew I wasn't perfect, would never be perfect, and felt ok about that, because I felt like I was a good person, a likable person, lovable even, and I felt good enough.

But a lot has changed in the years since. I think a lot of it is pretty natural, normal stuff. I got older. That's a biggie. I became a mother, and really, don't we all kind of tend to feel inadequate as mothers, like, always? I left my career, which like it or not, defined a big chunk of my life. Add to that all the mental and emotional duress leading up to the leaving of said career, which had already stripped me pretty bare, self-esteem-wise, and what you end up with is someone with A LOT of self doubt and a feeling of being adrift.

Additionally, as my therapist likes to point out, I tend to like to beat myself up. I never really was conscious of it until he pointed it out, but let me put it this way: any of you who want to judge me are certainly welcome, as it's your right, but I assure you, you're never going to judge me as harshly as I'm already judging myself.

And that's the big one. I really want to quit judging myself. I want to stop looking in the mirror with such critical eyes. I want to remember all the things about myself that I LIKED once upon a time. I want to remember what was so cool about that girl, and remind myself that, for the most part, it's still in there.

I think this should be a pretty attainable goal. I know E will be on board, since, you know, he loves me and thinks I'm pretty cool. I know my therapist will be MORE than on board since he's been telling me on and off since 2008 that I'm not nearly as inadequate as I've made myself believe I am.

I'm not perfect. Never will be. I'm a work in progress, but said progress will be lifelong. And the fact that I'm in progress doesn't mean I'm not good enough. That's the conundrum.