This is the place where I'm brutally honest (Not that I'm not normally...I tend toward overshare in general, if anything). About my feelings. About my foibles and flaws. And about my fears. Which are many.
I know I've discussed it before, but it's ongoing, so here we are. I have an issue with feeling...competent. With feeling good enough. This manifests itself in various ways, none of which are fun. Mainly, I have a really, really hard time forgiving myself for any mistake or misstep. Which is unfortunate because I am a DECIDEDLY human person, who can be flighty and forgetful. So, mistakes are...you know, de rigeur. But I pass up nary an opportunity to beat myself up over them.
Recently, I made a mistake at work. I fixed it and it turned out ok, and my coworker told me repeatedly not to worry about it, but I'm still slapping myself silly over it. And there is this little voice in the back of my head that keeps taunting, "See? It was just a matter of time, you dolt," and other super helpful things like that. I've gotten a lot better at ignoring that voice, for the most part, but that doesn't mean it's completely gone away. And something interesting occurred to me, as a result of it. One of the things my coworker said was, "We've all made mistakes like this." And I realized that in all my years at the old gig, NO ONE had ever said that to me, even though it was true there, too. Mistakes were so verboten in that environment that no one could ever commiserate, for fear of admitting their own mistakes.
Also, I recently discovered that something I thought I'd done, related to E's school, I probably somehow missed doing. I'm not sure whether I forgot something, or whether it got lost, or what. Stuff happens, you know? And it's not something that's a big deal, and it's something that I can re-submit. But BOY have I been having a field day, berating myself...which of course means I assume whatever went screwy was my fault. But that vicious little voice is back, too, telling me that the others in the group are going to think I'm an idiot, and will, as a result, not like me.
This is another thing that little voice does. I guess it's related to feeling not good enough, right? This feeling that people won't like me? It's a dichotomy within my personality - I'm a really social person. I love people. All kinds of people. Short of being downright mean, you're pretty much not going to find a way to get me not to like you. And yet, I CONSTANTLY fear that people won't like me. Believe me, I know how pitiful that sounds.
I remember having a conversation with a friend about 10 years ago, wherein I bemoaned my being so socially awkward. He looked at me like I was talking utter nonsense and said, "YOU? You're socially awkward? No. You're friendly and hilarious and warm. You're about the last person I would call socially awkward." I was legitimately gobsmacked. Granted, that was one person's opinion - one person who had known me for several years by then and was a good friend. But still.
As y'all know, it's a mantra of sorts, reminding myself that I'm a work in progress. It also helps to remind myself that you get back what you put out. And I strive to be the kind of person, mother, wife, friend, coworker, that I would want to have around me. And for the most part, I am. So, that little meanie in the back of my head and go kick rocks, because she is totally full of it. And I am a positive person, so her negativity is not welcome here.
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