Blocked

One of the most unfortunate (for me) aspects of whatever it is I've been going through lately is that words are in short supply. For someone who relies so heavily on words, both spoken and written, this...is not helpful. But I'm going to do my best to put some words to what's in my head. Probably won't be my finest work, but it's worth a shot.

So, the official diagnosis is something like post-partum anxiety disorder. Which really just means anxiety disorder with an onset within one year of giving birth. Most likely, it's a pre-existing anxiety disorder that is exacerbated by the hormone swings in my body now. It's more likely to occur if the pregnancy or labor is traumatic in some way (my pregnancy wasn't the easiest but not traumatic - labor was maybe a little traumatic but was also crazy fast). It's also more likely to occur if the previous pregnancy ended in miscarriage, which applies to me.

On the upside, unlike the more severe, well-known form of PPD, I did not experience difficulty bonding with my daughter or feeling joy in her presence. I'm very grateful for that. What I did experience was a very acute form of anxiety, and an inability to talk myself down from that (I'm usually pretty good at talking myself down). I couldn't seem to envision a future in which I felt normal again and was happy. I kept convincing myself I was gravely ill and wouldn't make it to the future, or if I did, that I would always carry this feeling of terror about the future.

After a little over five weeks on the meds, I think I'm in a better place. I'm sure it also helps that E has begun sleeping through the night more often than not, which obviously means I'm getting closer to a full night's sleep regularly. But my mood overall does seem stabilized. I'm still having some anxiety spikes, and I still have to be really vigilant about not allowing the hypochondria to creep in and overtake me. But I think the worst may be behind me.

One of the things I'm dealing with now is guilt and frustration over not being myself - or at least not the self I'm used to being. I'm forgetful. I'm not great at communicating with people other than E and my mom. I'm still unsure how to describe what's going on with me to friends who ask me. I've actually sat down to write this post about six times, and have been completely unable to find the words. So, to anyone from whom I've been a bit more isolated than usual who happens upon this post, please accept my apologies. I know I'll be myself again soon.

In terms of my care for the kiddos, I feel really lucky. That's the one area where I've really felt pretty unaffected. I'm enjoying them and loving them. And they both seem to be pretty content, which tells me they're not being impacted by my anxiety. I also have the most amazing husband there is, who is supremely supportive, even at times when work is nutty for him. And my mother and sister are, of course, unfailingly willing to help whenever and wherever there is a need. My mom has been here about once a week which, above all, keeps my house from becoming a complete horror show (in terms of being messy and cluttered).

So, that's more or less where I'm at, at the moment.