Lately, I've been ensconced in the most extended negative wallow I've indulged in in a long time. I think it's probably fairly understandable, since there's been a fair amount of stress, and a few sad things going on around me. I've always been kind of hypersensitive to that sort of stuff. It's very hard for me not to get bogged down by bad or sad things going on around me. And I kind of treasure that empathy. I like that I care as much as I do. But at some point, I do have to allow myself a little self preservation and not allow those things to swallow me up.
As such, I'm at a point now where I really just need to find a way to stay positive in the face of difficult times (the economy kind of directly effects my work environment) and sad times (eff cancer, y'all) and times of waiting (selling a condo in a tanking market is a GREAT time!). It can be a challenge, but life is a learning process, right? I can only take so much of the sad. And that's how I've been feeling. Sad. I've been a walking sad sack. And I can't take it anymore. And if there's one thing I know for certain, it's that if you want your life to change, only YOU can change it. So...I'm changing it. Again.
I just got to the end of my rope, waiting for something to come along to magically flip a switch and make things better. I remembered what I already knew - that part is up to me. If I want something to come along to make it better, I have to focus and find that something. I can do that. I've done it before.
I started small, just deciding yesterday to have a good day at work. (Actually, that's no small feat, lately.) And you know what? I had a great day at work. It was the best day I've had at work in a long time. So, that's something. Then, this morning, when B was throwing tantrums left and right (it's such fun when they figure out how to throw tantrums and decide to test it out constantly), I decided not to let it put me in a bad mood. It didn't. And when I dropped him at daycare, I felt a lot less guilty than I would've if I'd been grumped out with him.
Baby steps, you know? Are there still tough economic times going on? Yes. Are there still too many people around me suffering from cancer? Yes. And is that still making people I love horribly sad, and are those two things brutally unfair? Yes. And is it infuriating that there's nothing I can do to change any of this? Undoubtedly. But I can't. All I can do is figure out a way to live my life as fully as I can each day I have, and to love my husband and son with everything I have, and in fact to love everyone in my life as fully as I can. So, that' s my plan. In addition to all the sadness and pain in the world, there is happiness and magic, and I'm going to focus on that as much as I can. And I'm going to try my best to spread that sunshine and magic and love to the people who matter to me. And if you think that's corny, you can just bite me, m'kay?
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