In Between

The hardest part of going through something difficult is the in between. The time in between the first rush of grief and the recovery. The gap in between what you should feel and what you do feel. The to do's in between what you get done and what you feel like you should be getting done.

I'm generally a pretty upbeat person. I'm not sure whether that always comes across in the blog, because writing is how I process, so sometimes what I'm processing is the not so great stuff, but really, I'm a very grateful person, and I pride myself on offering positivity to those around me. But I do also occasionally struggle with depression. I guess that sounds like a contradiction, but I think the reason I'm so in tune to my times of depression is that it's such an uncomfortable fit, if that makes sense. I also have very little patience for myself, and my own depressive feelings. So, being in the in between right now is killin' me. I know that I went through something that sucks. I know it's okay to feel sad about that. I want to feel better, overall. I want to get back to my life. But I'm just not there yet, and it's driving me nuts.

Part of what's happening, too, I THINK (I'm...not actually a doctor or a mental health professional) is that...I was kind of feeling a little "off" and "down" before the pregnancy, and then during the pregnancy, some of that kind of eased, because I had something positive to focus on, rather than dealing with what was feeling off. Plus, who knows, maybe the pregnancy leveled whatever hormonal or chemical "stuff" is off inside. It's possible. I guess a lot of things are.

But what I know is that I am mentally ready to start feeling normal again, but I feel like there's something inside holding me back. Like...I WANT to get my ass back to work, but in the moment, it's like MONUMENTALLY difficult to focus and motivate. I WANT to get back into an exercise routine, but again, I CANNOT make myself do it. I know there are people in my life who would tell me just to suck it up and do it. And that's the most maddening part - normally, I would be one of them. I am definitely of the "no one can change your life except you," school. And yet...

I don't know. This is just kind of brain-dump rambling, but like I said, writing is how I process, so I'm kind of hoping if I write this stuff out, at some point, it'll help me come to some clarity. In the meantime, I'm going to write here, and I'm going to write in my gratitude journal and I'm going to fake it till I make it. Because make no mistake. Sad Sack Lindsay will NOT be tolerated, long term. Bitch makes me crazy.